Discussion

appsoftware: Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors). Trust that it will take time, but it will happen.

sillysaurusx: Thank you. Unfortunately I live in a suburb, and not a very walking-friendly one either, so there aren't really any third spaces to go to.Maybe a silly question, but any suggestions on how to find hobbies?

wombat-man: Hey, so, I live in a city but visit my parents in the suburbs once or twice a year and at it did take some work, but there are certainly third spaces. After trying a few, I found some very comfy cafes to work out of, I prefer it since my parents can be a bit distracting. Also one cafe I really like is in a 'town center' which does also have a gym. So while you may not be in a city, see if there might be any pockets of walkability you can park at and enjoy the day on your feet.

xitrium: Can you move to a city? This is what most people I know in this situation do. Though I had a great time getting a car and taking myself out for hikes, sauna / spa days, activities and parties in the east bay near SF. Great place for practicing being alone. I had to think about it like dating myself - where would I have taken a date for fun? Try a bunch of things and see what sticks and remember you can appreciate moments by yourself with this mindset and it's like 80% as good.

ieie3366: Hit the gym a lot to find your inner peace. Both weightlifting and lots of zone2

reactordev: The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back into flying) and volunteer and give back to the community around you.You’ll find that hollowness was self-inflicted.A dog is a great companion as well.

jwrallie: > reconnect with the things that bring YOU joyThis is great advice, think about something you have been wanting to do (or get back to) but could never quite put the time into.

Hnrobert42: 1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.

nephihaha: 3 is very true and reflects a serious issue in today's society. It is easier to treat symptoms than causes sometimes.The good news is that situational issues can be fixed but it can take time.

amelius: Those feelings of hollowness of OP could be explained by those meds, in fact. They wouldn't be the first.

rramadass: By rethinking everything about yourself and your relationship to the World as a whole.I live alone with a hermit-like lifestyle (even though i live in the middle of a big city) and so perhaps my advice may be of some use.Read Philosophy, Read Psychology and orient your entire Worldview accordingly. This is very important; you cannot choose solitude while thinking and longing for external socializations/validations. Self-Denial and Self-Control are the key attitudes to practice. A complete framework/discipline like Patanjali Ashtanga Yoga is a good one to follow.Keep Body Active, Maintain proper Diet and Sleep. Whenever you feel down/depressed get out and walk (or do any physical activity). Become aware of what in the environment triggers your "loneliness" and consciously move away from it.When you go to the grocery store/coffee shop/restaurant/etc. converse/joke/laugh with the employees/customers there since that is your much needed essential "socialization" fix. Understand how the self uses social-surrogates to satisfy its social needs eg. social media.The key idea is that you limit socialization/interaction to the absolute essentials i.e. to that which is impelled by nature.Also Mind and Body are one and so problems can be solved by approaching them via both avenues. This is why motion/exercise is so good for the mind.Cultivate total Zen-like "mindfulness in the present" so that your mind forgets the self and is fully occupied in any activity you are engaged in which could be as mundane as house-cleaning/dishwashing/etc.Live in the present, with your consciousness externalized momentarily but without any effort; when the mind stops linking itself to the past and to the future, it becomes no-­mind. If from moment to moment your mind dwells on what is and drops it effortlessly at once [just before moving on to something else], the mind becomes no-­mind, full of purity.-- Yoga VasisthaPS: Some of my previous comments which are relevant here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40978488 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44987175 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41538322 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29777785 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32918811

matt_heimer: It's not just a hobby you need, it's purpose. For some that is a hobby. If you go the hobby route, try to look for one that has in person meetups. Others going through this use self-improvement as their purpose (gym, suit up, etc). Church works for some. Consider some continuing education courses. Would charity work suit you? There are places like habitat for humanity that you can volunteer at. Maker spaces can be fun. You might also want to try out working from a co-working space.

jokethrowaway: I have a friend on anti depressants and she mentions the same hollowness and lack of wanting to do anything - despite having a good social life.When I went through depression I refused meds, self medicated with weed and got through the end of it.I'd blame the meds and recommend gently weaning off them. Once you feel better rebuilding a social life is absolutely possible.Best of luck with everything

scott_w: > I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?

gman83: Read books & audiobooks. Find a meetup club for books near you.

ratg13: Go to where the people are.Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.

bilsbie: Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life.Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.

ZeroClickOk: Two different perspectives:1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".And one piece of advice:1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.

_puk: The fact you're asking is great.Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.Things that I've tried:* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.Things I've tried and don't work* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).* Pubs / bars as above* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!

Gualdrapo: This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.

sillysaurusx: Not a bad idea actually. She spends each day alone, like me.

mythrwy: I live remotely in a very isolated area and work remotely (no slack, just email). I live with my partner but she is in town for work during the day. I go to town a couple of times a month. Before COVID I had an office in town but realized I don't need it. I've lived here for about 15 years.Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games.I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.

maininformer: Hey friend, I am also 38, and I am also recently "aloned". I had a break up in August and lived with my parents until February.At first it was strange, I was acutely feeling the loneliness. But gradually I started seeing its upsides, and I am beginning to dangerously enjoy it haha.I am using the time and space to take care of and express myself. Live slowly, cook myself warm dinners, nice coffees; I made a cozy nook for reading, I am planning on adding fragrant flowers to my terrace.I am planning on a routine, which includes going to the gym and actually trying and enjoy moving my body. Sometimes I have the luxury of just sitting in the park next to the gym and soak up some sun, enjoy the sounds if birds and the water fountain.I am hybrid so I get to go to the office and see my colleagues. Somehow, luckily, every weekend some social event happened, a dear friend came to visit. It was my aunts birthday. I also have a housewarming planned in two weeks which motivates me to make the place beautiful to show off.My advice would be, simply, to focus on the current moment. Thoughts take you awry, try not to ruminate. Have a plan, and trust the process. There are five things absolutely needed for health and happiness(not in a particular order):1. Good food 2. Exercising 3. Sunlight 4. Sleep 5. FriendsSo while you are alone, I would question the rest too, do you eat well? Do you exercise? Do you go out? Do you sleep well?The way our mind works is whenever a state comes up, it ups the likelihood of that state to come up again. So try to summon happy states, would be difficult and feel fake at first but it really works. Gratitude is a good one. Writing or expressing it doesn't work well for me, so I like to do it when I clean, I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearance. Find yours.From what you wrote it sounds like you already know what to do, but you are reluctant. Why is that? One could identify with one's depression by ruminating over it.In closing I highly recommend the book, the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, it has a free audiobook on YouTube too.I wish you the best of luck. Life could be whatever you want it to be and there is no true self, all is constructed and you can engineer your psyche anew.Cheers

moffers: Making friends as an adult, especially starting from zero, is a universal struggle, so try to avoid any negative self-talk or other things that may compound your loneliness. The usual advice works, but like all advice it only works when we’re ready for it to work. I wish I could offer more than platitudes, but you sound like you have a decent self-support system already, and maybe are just temporarily lacking in confidence.

talkingtab: I initially read this as "I want to experience aloneness, how do I do it". I read it that way because to me, being alone is an incredibly wonderful and useful experience. You can know things when you are alone that you cannot otherwise know. Like your true size in the universe. There is nothing like being alone at night, outside, when the temperature is 20 without anything or anyone around you.This is not something you will experience when being alone, locked in a room or a building. Or surrounded by people. You need to be in the wild, in nature. Do it.In those moments of being alone you learn something that allows you to be more alive. More deeply in the world. And a way to give you a context for not being alone.So my first suggestion is to go someplace where you are completely alone and on your own for a while. Out in nature.People can be the most wonderful creatures on earth. And the worst. There is a pretty good way to find them at their best, and it is hilarious. Go on a quest.What is a quest? It is not an intellectual thing, it is a thing of the heart. It does not have to be a great thing, but it does have to be one that matters to you - you have to care about it.For example, you might decide to spend the night outside, alone in the winter. Do not read a book about this. Start asking people. Tell them why you are going on your quest and ask them if they know anyone who can help you learn how.Now the secret to a successful quest is to follow it. If someone says Joe and Josie know, then go ask Joe and Josie. And of course you are honor bound to actually do the quest. People are utterly wonderful about helping someone, so ask for help.Finally, write. Get a fountain pen and a notebook (or cheat and get a ballpoint pen). Sit down. Set a timer for one hour and write. The goal is to write sentences continuously for one hour. It matters not what you write. If you want (and can actually do it) you can write the same one over and over, but it has to be some sentence - no matter how broken.We all get stuck in the past. The cure for the past is the future, the new. You have open doors in front. One or more of those has better things than anything in your past. So go there.

neya: I feel you. The fear of being alone is natural, it is uneasy because you are forced to confront your true self. It takes a while to get used to the lack of the social cushioning, but you don't have to do it all alone drastically. First thing you need to address is the fear of being lonely - the root cause is lack of self dependence. Or rather, too much social dependence. You need to (slowly) learn to be comfortable with your self. You do that by not looking at it like a punishment. It is just being at peace.Having said that, I always like to join hobby groups on meetup.com (say cycling or DIY crafts or book clubs) and get to meet new people that way. It helps. The other thing I love to do is attend conferences or tech talks. It really removes that feeling of being lonely and since you do it on your terms, you will come to a point where you realize loneliness is just a choice and you can be around people whenever you like.Also, look into real passion projects - you can spend time working on stuff you love to do and it will offset any emptiness you feel. I love working on my car and speaker building. Some of the projects can take years and I will spend one weekend or a random weekday working on it. It really turns being alone into an advantage.When I felt alone early in my career, I used to go to this shared office space near my house or WeWork once or twice a week and surrounded myself with people there. It helped a lot. The day you realize you can live with yourself without needing anyone around is when you will also start feeling less depressed. People come and go, you are the only one for yourself.Hope this helps and if you ever feel like talking to someone, don't hesitate to shoot an email (in my profile). Always love to meet new people :)

boerseth: Start dancing Argentine tango. I am dead serious.

GTP: I'm used to being alone due to difficulties socializing and having moved multiple times. I will turn 31 later this year.Short term I would suggest you going to cafes or other similar places in the weekends. Even if you end up not interacting with people, having them around already helps in itself. Plus, you might actually end up interacting with someone.To get out of the bad mood, you can also try to call a relative on the phone, I found this to be helpful many times in the moment, but not always.Personally, especially now that the weather is getting warm where I am, I often go out for walks or runs while listening to podcasts. But beware that using headphones all the time makes it harder to interact with others.More long term, I would advice looking for a job where you show up in person, so that you get to interact with your coworkers.I would also suggest talking about this with your psychiatrist, to get some advice that is more tailored to you.

aquariusDue: Definitely! I was in a slump last year and once I've started doing stuff like this I felt better every week since the start of this year. Yeah, it doesn't sound like much if you take a peek at the YouTube fitness influencer sphere but it's what most people need in actuality. I also recommend pairing this with a habit tracker so it's easier to keep at it.

rumori: Couple of things that helped me in similar situations:- volunteer: find a place you can help others, go cook for the homeless, work with other volunteers, not only are you doing good and meeting new people, you also appreciate what you have more- think about what made you happy when you were younger, connect with your younger self, explore the dreams you never had a chance to fulfill- go to therapy: this will help you better understand your feelings, a professional who is there to listen to you, help you get out of loops you are stuck in, normalize your thinking about life. Hinghly recommended!- do sports: this will help you stay fit and have little successes, you can feel good about.The world is wonderful, try to explore it and be patient with yourself. Trust the process, improve yourself, be kind and look at this period as a test that will shape your future self. It’s hard now but better days are coming if you put in the work. Good luck!

goolz: My dog has been a beacon of hope through these last years of being alone. Highly agree. They can be a ton of work depending on the breed but there are plenty of dogs at the pound who might end up saving you in the end and not the other way around.Loneliness is a state of mind. And sometimes when I am with people I feel the most alone. So above all else just be kind to yourself. Eat well, watch things you enjoy, do things you always dreamt of doing as a kid. That is how I stay sane at least, haha.

voxleone: I can relate to some of what you’re describing, though from a different angle. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown increasingly dissatisfied with the shallowness of many modern interactions: the constant glance at the screen, that black brick glued to the hand, the strange absence of attention even when you try to do something kind for someone. It often feels like we’re all performing a kind of theater of socialization.One thing that helped me over the years was cultivating a richer inner life and maintaining some contact with nature. Long walks, quiet time, reading, building things slowly, the kinds of activities that don’t depend on an audience. At first that kind of solitude can feel oppressive, but with time it can also become a kind of freedom.As you get older, or at least that has been my experience, you begin to realize how precious each moment is, and how little sense it makes to spend too much of it on interactions that feel hollow. Real presence, even if rare, becomes much more valuable.Your situation is clearly different, and the transition you’re going through sounds genuinely hard. But sometimes these chapters also open space to rediscover parts of yourself that were quiet for a long time. I wish you strength navigating this change, and I hope you eventually find a rhythm that feels meaningful again.

delichon: Whatever you do, don't learn to cope with being alone. I did, and it was my biggest mistake.

sillysaurusx: Would you mind going into more detail? Why was that a mistake?

Spooky23: I found myself in a similar place a couple of years ago. My partner passed away, which is different and the same as your situation.My advice… Run. Don’t worry about being fast. Get the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run book and just do it. You probably aren’t a running person. Cool, do it anyway.Couple of reasons. One, it will help you with your emotional state. There’s something liberating about just focusing on your steps and your brain is able to organize and pack stuff away. Two, it will make a real difference in your physical condition, which also helps the mind.Get established and when you’re ready make a goal to do a 5k or something. If you want to, you can go from watching TV to a 5k in 2-3 months. When you do that, usually those events are organized by a running club. Go to some of their events or practice runs, do an meetup or two. When you’re ready, you’ll find a bunch of people not unlike yourself.You are 38, getting out of a decades long relationship, and you’re introspective enough to post this post. It doesn’t feel like it now , but when it’s time, you are a hot commodity for future partners.Getting started is easy. Get two pairs of good socks and good running shoes. Then go.Good luck, whatever you do!

delichon: Because if I had not I would have instead done the hard emotional labor of pursuing love, instead of being an isolated old man waiting to die. Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, don't kid yourself. A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family.

j123m: I’m 40, and I’ve spent most of my life alone. To be clear, I’m an introvert, so being by myself is something I’m quite used to. Still, I think I have some experience that might be worth sharing:1. Find something that’s truly yours. Remote work is fine, but having a personal project you genuinely enjoy is a completely different feeling. Try to find something like that.2. Fill your day with structure. My day starts with reading and studying languages, then I go for a walk, work, read and learn more things, and relax in the evening.3. Walk more. This habit is hugely underrated. One or two hours of walking a day, especially in the sun, can brighten even the darkest day.4. Exercise. Almost everyone talks about it — because it works. And it works really well. The key is consistency.5. Travel if you can. You’ll get a lot of new impressions and meet many interesting people.6. Don’t just play games — watch them. I’m serious. As silly as it might sound, let’s plays can genuinely help with loneliness. There’s even research suggesting that people in streams can sometimes ease loneliness better than real-life friends. If games aren’t your thing, find streams on topics you enjoy.7. And finally: as others here have already said — try to find yourself and understand yourself. Often loneliness isn’t about the absence of people, but about not being able to accept who you are.

sillysaurusx: Thank you, particularly for the "watch streams" suggestion. I'd forgotten about those.

aquariusDue: In my opinion if you're searching for a hobby it's best to be a bit more methodical about it. Usually the way to get into hobbies is that a friend or acquaintance pulls you into it (either by talking about the hobby energetically or directly showcasing it) and going at it from the other end isn't really easy per se in my experience.But yeah, it's more than doable. First things first take a piece of paper (or do it digitally) and divide it into 2 halves, indoor and outdoor, then further divide those 2 halves into solo and group. At this point it doesn't make sense to take financial constraints into account, that's up to it at the end as a determining factor if you want to start a hobby from your "short list".So after you've done the above take a week to fill the paper with stuff like "Tabletop RPGs" which goes into indoor/group, or "nature photography" which goes into outdoor/solo and I hope you get the jist. I'm sure you know where to file embroidery for example.You can continue to add hobbies as a hobby too for a little bit, call it hobby watching and searching, it's still a pastime. Now here's another important part, you have to decide your motivation for start a hobby (not a specific hobby but a new hobby). Some people try and do hobbies because they feel they're forced to if they want to appear interesting to their peers, sometimes you just want to fill a hole or fill time so you can't stop and think about that hole. In emotionally adjusted individuals supposedly you can pick a hobby for the fun of it and that's enough. Basically do a bit of soul searching so that you can decide if you gravitate towards a outdoor hobby with a group of people (because the hobby itself doesn't matter that much but you crave connection which is completely fine and that's why some old people go to church).I could go on but thanks for reading my TED talk and I really hope you find what you are looking for, either a hobby or something else.

coderjames: > when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks.As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry. Sometimes they're quite mundane, exactly like your examples. "I cooked a steak for dinner that turned out better than I expected" or "Tomorrow I'm thinking about making some bread." There's no pressure on length of entry, I fill anywhere from three sentences to a full page each night, but it helps fill the 'how do I communicate this minor accomplishment or discomfort that nobody else cares about' need for me.

sillysaurusx: Thank you for the thoughtful comment. And particularly for:> I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearanceIf you'd like to chat, my email's in my profile. Thanks for the book recommendation too.

emerongi: [delayed]

wvlia5: Games, hobbies, meds are not good. Those are like candy, you need real food.There are 3 aspects to the issue you need to tackle:# existential, deepWhat you need to do is to get a glorious vision of 1- who you are and 2- what you are doing, aka. the plan.Examples:1- I am a scientist, 2- I'm getting a phd to then change the world with my research.1- I am a father/husband, 2- I am raising a happy family.1- I am a skinny/fat guy who will have an impressive transformation to bodybuilder, 2- I am targeting to raise my lean body mass by 2kg/year.1- I am a guy with troubled emotions that feel like hell, who will overcome his suffering and find happiness, 2- I am becoming a buddist monk.# physiological, shallowYour negative emotions will be a burden in your journey to glory.You need to feel comfortable being alone. You need to be able to be alone without intense negative emotions about it. It is like getting used to feeling cold/hot, hunger. Like adapting very hot sauna or marathons. You need to physiologically adapt to solitude.The root solution will be what I explained before. Short-term, it would be good to have a break and to restart fresh (next time recognizing you didn't do it well the 1st time with your games, and that you need to work on a glorious plan). Options to get a break:- move back with your parents for 1-2 years- go to some cheap and nice destination and live in hostels, shared room. Change hostels every few weeks. Chat with guests. Just having a 'good morning' goes a long way.# practical solutionWhile you have to adapt to solitude, you can also work on getting relationships. In order to do this:- go out and talk to people physically (Internet doesn't count). You can actually go to a stranger on a park/mall and talk. Try it. Also explore bars, courses, events. When you go to those, you have to talk to people, you get 1 point for each person you talk to, otherwise 0 points.- make a list of people you have known and see if you can get back in touch and deepen the relationship. Include in the list people you currently have some relationship with. Yes, even the cashier that always gives you a good smile when he says: 'debit or credit?'. You can deepen the relationship over several days in this sequence: polite smiles -> trivial chit-chat -> personal talk -> invitation to hang out.

fluxusars: > I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizersDisclaimer: this is not medical advice, but have you considered being on less medication? I have seen a close family member become absolutely numbed from being on antidepressants, and although I have personally never been on them, I am highly skeptical that the amount of drugs the average American is being prescribed is healthy. My preferred choice of self-fixing is by quiet introspection, though I've had some useful experiences from therapy sessions as well.

sillysaurusx: Thank you. Really. I took that to heart.

fdgfikgfv: I work remotely as well and spend about 7 hours alone at home. It’s not exactly the same situation as yours, but I do start to feel isolated if I don’t work from a coffee shop every couple of days. I rarely talk to anyone there, yet simply being around people seems to trick my brain into feeling less alone.Another thing that helped me when I was younger: I used to be very shy around the opposite sex and often felt lonely. I started going to places like Hooters. The staff there are intentionally very friendly. Of course, they aren’t actually your friends, but the interaction helped trick my mind a bit and gradually built my confidence. Just make sure to tip well.At home, I usually keep my favorite shows playing quietly in the background while I work. Having voices and noise around makes the space feel less empty and helps reduce that sense of loneliness.

mynegation: I lived with my original family the with 8 other guys in the dorm room, then two, the by myself, got married, got divorced, lived alone for few years, got (and remained) married. I went through a good amount of settings. Here is my advice but take it with a grain of salt because it is all very individual.First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.HTH

alan-crowe: In the UK, there are tax breaks for renting out your spare room https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-sc...I've done this for much of my life. It has always worked out OK. Perhaps because I've always picked a nice middle class person as my lodger. Even the mentally ill homeless person I rented my spare room to was a nice middle class mentally ill homeless person and a friend of a friend, who recovered from his reactive depression and moved on as anticipated.If there is a university nearby, there are probably graduate students looking for a cheap place to stay while they finish writing up their PhD thesis. Since graduate students are pretty much guaranteed to be respectable, you may need to ask for less than the market rent to grab one, but you don't mention being short of money. They will have their own concerns about you, but your dog will vouch for you.You don't mention having a spare bedroom that you could rent out, I'm just guessing that "working remote" implies living somewhere with affordable housing, and that you have extra space. If you live in a one bedroom flat, maybe sell it or rent it out entirely, and take the other side of the deal, becoming a lodger yourself.That is not an option for me. I'm trapped by my stuff: grand piano, Boxford CUD lathe, too many maths books. I cannot vouch for that option, but it works for my lodger, so it works for some people. (I'm over sixty and he is older than me.)I fear that my comment is a little "off" and not quite appropriate, but in my defense, it is responsive to "I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person."

lostmsu: [delayed]

nephihaha: Ironically I find cities more isolating than the countryside. At least in the countryside you have the beauty of nature. In many modern cities, there is less and less social connection and community. Sometimes I suppose it is finding the right groups... And sometimes you have to take the initiative and create in person groups.

apothegm: The suburbs, though, are the worst of both worlds.Cities at least are full of a huge variety of people looking to make connections.

card_zero: Society seems to disapprove of liking to be alone. What else can we expect, it's a society, so of course it does. But if you really want me to teach you how to do this terrible thing:View it as an opportunity. You don't have to fix the blinds or cook, and you don't have tell anybody about it. There is nobody to maintain an image for. You can be really gross, or incredibly lazy, nobody will notice. (This is perhaps the real meaning of Sartre's phrase "hell is other people".)Drop the pitiful attitude. Instead of whining "Who will comfort me?" you must experiment with saying "Yes! Everybody has finally fucked off!".For a while it will seem as if you need other people to give life depth and meaning, but this is an illusion. You are habituated to leaching meaning off them, is all. Now you have to find your own sources. "Solitary confinement with internet" sound like the most ideal prison to me: would you really want to be surrounded by other prisoners, with their noise and drama?This is adaptation, and thus will take time, because of ingrained habits, expectations, and habits not yet arrived at. The process unfortunately is slow and stupid and you'll have to sit it out, perhaps in front of a games console.Get better games, until you find one you can immerse yourself in for a month, with enthusiasm. Don't skimp in hunting for games.Listen to the silence. That is, listen to the distant ambient sounds. This should be soothing meditation, and if you do it long enough you'll get the peculiarly naughty and sensual feeling of sitting quietly. Think of it as a free John Cage concert. Silence is golden, right? It's something rare. Social people are continually destroying it for one another, so they miss out.

CoffeeTails: I could not agree more to this.Other than that, keep trying to do stuff with your time. Check out your local library for events, go an evening course that's at least mildly interesting or honestly, whatever sparks even the tiniest interest or curiosity. There are also sites like meetup.comIf this is too hard for you right now, or even if it isn't try and find reasons to speak to your neighbors or just strangers.See someone with cool hair at the store? Tell them! "Excuse me, I just wanted to say I think your hair is really cool", or if you see a neighbor or some random person enjoying the weather, looking at a cool car or whatever, say something about it! "woah, lovely weather", "oh, nice cars here today eh?" or whatever.It often feels weird and awkward, but sometimes people strike up with a small convo and you'll feel connection for a little bit. I used to hate these interactions but I've learned to like them, they are very low-pressure as there isn't anything to maintain.Good luck and take care

Trasmatta: > Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.It's not quite that simple. You seem to be hinting at the "chemical imbalance" theory of antidepressants, which has been largely debunked. The reality is much more nuanced and complicated.

tombert: When I was 21, I moved out of my parents house and moved from Orlando to Dallas for a girl I met on the internet. We were together for about six months and then she broke up with me. Additionally, like two weeks later I got fired from my job.I hold no grudges my ex girlfriend for that, I was far from an amazing partner, but I was now living in a new city where I knew basically no one, with no job to get out of my apartment, with no family nearby, and no money to artificially figure out ways to entertain myself. I had never in my entire life before that felt so alone. Days simultaneously felt ridiculously long and yet time seemed to also lose all meaning and it would feel like a week would go by without me even realizing it. When a job interview would come up, it would be the highlight of my week, primarily because it was an excuse to talk to another human.I had friends from Orlando, of course, good friends even, and I would chat with them on Skype, and I would call my parents over the weekend, but of course they all had to work during the day and so most of the day I was purely alone.It was dreadful. It felt like all I could do was apply for jobs, play through games on a SNES emulator, and learn new programming languages to try and make myself competitive in the job market.I eventually found a job, with coworkers that I actually really liked. There was a married couple that I think liked me but also felt kind of sorry for me, so they would invite me over to their house on weekends to play video games and watch Game of Thrones, and I am eternally grateful for them. They were friends when I really needed friends.I never really figured out how to be alone; I eventually met my girlfriend (now wife) and I haven't really been "alone" in the same way since then.

baq: Start a defacto book club in a local cafe, that is, become a regular, show up with a book at approximately same day, same hour

xorvoid: There's already some good advice in this thread, but I want to add more.This will indeed be very hard, but I'd urge you to take a long-term and positive forward looking approach.It sounds to me like you don't have the best family/friends social structure to depend on. I'd focus on building that. It will take time ... and it won't happen on your schedule. The cold hard fact is that you have to put yourself out in the world in social spaces and be open and vulnerable. This is often why shared hobbies are recommended. But the hobbies aren't entirely the point. The point is that you're engaging in the real world with real people and learning to be open and vulnerable in that environment. If you embrace that (truly embrace), the friends and relationships will eventually come. But, it may take a long time. It's a long game. But its worth it.In the short-term, you can find ways to cope. For me, I got REALLY deep into ultra-running after a bad breakup. It helped. But, it was seriously just a cope for not having the foundational social structures that everyone needs.In summary: find healthy short/medium term coping methods, and invest in building longer-term social connections. And expect it to take some time. Give yourself grace. You're doing a hard thing. It's okay for it to be a struggle. Just keep working on it and you'll get through it. I've been through this. It gets better, I promise!Good luck. I'm rooting for you!

pstuart: Check out improv if that might be your jam. I was effectively in the same situation (more so, via the empty-nest syndrome). Couple that to moving to a new town and working remotely, the isolation was devastating.Improv pretty much selects for people that are playful, intelligent, and kind (it's a team sport after all).Another aspect is learn to dance. Dance communities can be very strong, and dancing is a wonderful activity on so many levels. I initially went with expectations of meeting somebody, but now it's solely for the activity and sense of community.

kevinfiol: I'm going to assume you no longer live near family, or are not close to them. I was severely depressed for over a year where I lived alone (across the country from my parents) without pets after a painful breakup. Getting a remote job and moving back closer to my parents/cousins/grandmother helped the most, but other things that help(ed):* Going to restaurants with bars (like diners or sushi bars) where I could attempt to make small talk with servers* Regularly going to the gym. Cliche, I know, but at least 3 times a week at the same times and I started becoming friendly with other regulars who had similar schedules. If you get friendly enough with someone, don't be afraid to ask if they wanna get food or beer after.* Volunteering (cliche as well, but it helps) at the same place once a week. I volunteered for a high school bringing near-spoiled produce from local supermarkets to their horticulture club. There's loads of ways to get involved, but maybe start with your city/county's website to look for volunteer opportunities, ideally ones where you see the same people every time. This lets you build trust and community with folks who are often from different walks of life.

bitwize: I started going to tech meetups in the nearest large city. The tech scene is utter crap there compared to SF or Boston but I get to interact with a few smart, like-minded people almost each week. My wife says it's been good for me.Marrying the right person helped. I'm quite in the opposite situation from you: I married for the first time in my mid-40s. I know what it's like to be alone, and to an extent I grew comfortable with it. Now that there's someone in my life, I'm all in disarray. That's not a bad thing, as I've been forced to grow to become worthy of this: two humans, six nonhuman animals, love filling the house.

alsetmusic: > I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.You can have a great psychiatrist and be on a cocktail of mood-altering drugs and still be depressed. I know because I lived that way for many years. The sooner you admit to yourself that you're depressed, the sooner you can start trying to work through it. Cause that's the only solution to depression: working through it.I mean, it's not really fair for me to armchair diagnose you and I'm certainly without qualification to do so. I'm just telling you what I recognize in your words. I refused to admit that I was depressed in 2020 (who wasn't that year) because that would "make it real." Once I finally stopped trying to trick myself out of it, I was able to accept my situation and even that was a slight relief (though certainly not a cure).I wish you all the best. I really do. It's gonna be really difficult if I'm right, but me pretending that it won't be isn't gonna help you. All I can say is that I'm confident that you'll get to the other side eventually if you don't give up. I believe that to be true for most people and you haven't said anything that makes it seem untrue for you. I wish for you courage.

good-idea: This is going to be a difficult time.. and that's OK. Great change is upon you.One book I cannot recommend enough is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis.Listen deeply to yourself, be kind with yourself. It's so very hard but so very very rewarding.

atas2390: I went through something similar after a long relationship ended. What helped me wasn’t “find a hobby” but a few small, repeatable things:• Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic. • Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void. • Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard.You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.

sillysaurusx: Thank you.Did you ever learn to love being alone? The idea of it sounds nice.How long did it take for you to start to feel normal again?If I may ask, what did you personally do for each of those bullet points? I'm curious about things that concretely helped people.

atas2390: Yeah, I did, but it took a while.For me there were two phases:First was just “not drowning”. The breakup left this constant panic humming in the background, so my bar was low: I just wanted evenings and weekends that didn’t feel like a black hole.Concrete stuff I did for the bullets I mentioned:• “Being alone as a skill”: I picked one small thing per day that I did on purpose alone. For a few months it was mostly walking with a podcast, sitting in a café with a book, or cooking something slightly nicer than usual and actually sitting at the table to eat it. The important part wasn’t what I did, it was telling myself “this 20–30 minutes is chosen, not forced on me”.• “Thin weekend structure”: I made a tiny checklist for Sat/Sun: – one out‑of‑the‑house thing (even dumb stuff like going to the supermarket on foot, a movie, or a park) – one “future me will be glad” thing (30 minutes learning something, fixing a small thing at home, writing, coding) – the rest could be YouTube/doomscrolling/whatever without guilt. That alone made the weekend feel like time that moved forward instead of an empty void.• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.At some point — for me it was maybe 6–12 months — my nervous system calmed down enough that being alone stopped feeling like a verdict and started feeling like default background. I wouldn’t say I’m a monk who loves solitude 24/7, but I do genuinely enjoy my own company now. The interesting part is that once I didn’t need other people to make the feelings stop, my relationships got a lot better too.Everyone’s timeline is different, but if right now it just feels awful, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Treat it like rehab for your attention and nervous system, not a life sentence.

serf: >• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.I ran a media-centric chatroom at one time filled with folks that would drop in and tell me about their omelettes, and then over the course of some time, wars, struggles, disease, etc they all disappeared.This is a bit other-sided, but while I was happy to provide the environment they needed to offload silly stuff (and they, too, were struggling) I never anticipated how much I would miss the small daily comments once they were gone.If you have that kind of connection with folks, regardless of how silly, cherish it. They will probably end up feeling similarly in the long run.

esseph: [delayed]

keithnz: I've had several instances in my life where I've been alone for extended periods of time, almost at the same age you are now. I've generally enjoyed it, but not sure what the "How To" is for being alone. For me I've used my alone time to do new/learn things. I taught myself parkour, went and did Brazilian jiujitsu for years, did painting/art classes, went indoor rock climbing, read a lot more on philosophy, went to philosophy groups, joined my local humanist/secular society, worked out a lot more and went running, worked on my own programming projects, geocached, went to local lectures/presentations, all kinds of things. Basically I just followed any random thing my brain thought was interesting. As a side effect I ended up meeting a lot more people than I would have otherwise. I remember feeling anxious when I first became alone but I focused on the fact that I had a lot of freedom. Once you start experiencing your own freedom it feels good! It took a bit, I remember I felt mentally shackled about what I could do, but as I did things I just found there was more that I wanted to do.

Herring: You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity.Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate.The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by yourself much better.

SoftTalker: Agree, and you will meet people at the gym. Learn to lift barbells, not machines. Powerlifters can seem intimidating from a distance but they are the same mix of people as everyone else: nerds, extroverts, introverts, men, women, gay, straight... and in my experience they are very open and friendly to those who are getting started.If you want a guide to get started, Starting Strength is a good one. It's aimed at novices.Also if you're in the same apartment/house and city where you were living with your partner, consider moving if you can. Get away from all the reminders of your old life that just amplify the alone feeling. Depression can be related to your situation. At least if you're in a new place, being alone can feel more normal and might act as a reset.

Herring: > Starting StrengthIt's a great technical manual. But you have to be careful because a lot of personalities around fitness culture are deeply unhappy (eg nazis).I like to mix working out with buddhist meditation (eg metta meditation). They complement each other quite well.

gedy: Dating sites and online are not going to make you feel better so don't expect anything from that. 38 is young for a guy, and I met plenty of women in my 40s (in real life) who would have made a a good couple with.

lukan: I believe it is good to learn to be on your own for a while, it helps you figure out what you really want for yourself, but most humans are social being so don't try to accept it as the new normal as this is clearly not what you want. But it sounds a bit like you ask for advice for that.It sounds you likely want a new partner, so .. at some point go out and find one. Not a replacement, your old partner seems gone, you want a different person you want to start a new life with.And if you don't want a different person .. then you should first get over the divorce with your last partner. Otherwise it likely won't work.(And aside "I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizer" those things can have side effects, meaning you are stable to do your work, but are otherwise stuck emotionally. Therapy is a bit more, then taking meds)

djdule: Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

Smaug123: Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And you guarantee getting every airborne infection. I got two serious colds and the bona-fide flu this winter; still worth it.)

throw-qqqqq: > Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very groundingWhat :D? I would say BJJ is an exceptionally safe martial art in that you can spar at 90-95% and not get hurt at all. Muay Thai or boxing sparring gives you regular bruises in comparison. At least that’s my experience.

geooff_: I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like.Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing.Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of life for many. What worked for me was finding something I enjoyed (exercise classes) and doing it consistently multiple times a week at the same place for months. With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends. Complaining about one exercise one week turns into making comments about the music the next, and all of a sudden you're getting coffee with friends.At the start it was very difficult, and I was very bad, but now I'm part of a community and have many close friends. Its a hour per day most days of the week. It's also a jumping off point for everything else social. It provides purpose and self-confidence. Which are prerequisites for everything else meaningful in life.

kovek: > You seem to be hinting at the "chemical imbalance" theory of antidepressants, which has been largely debunkedCan you say more?

elorant: Go to a cooking lesson, a dancing lesson, a climbing lesson, a music lesson or a whateverthefuck lesson. That’s like a dummy’s way to socialize and find some people to hung around.

Smaug123: Sure, for a martial art it's pretty safe - still in a different league from (say) bouldering or lifting, though!And in solo sports, you can almost completely set your own safety budget, whereas in martial arts there's a large irreducible lump of danger from "the other person lacks the control to do something safely". The only other person I know in person who does BJJ who I didn't meet at BJJ is a brown belt, and just got a four-month leg injury during a routine rolling session; I myself am only just over a five-month chest injury that was probably from someone very heavy simply throwing himself down on top of me when I didn't react in time (obviously he shouldn't have done that, but I can't control what other people do).

ed_balls: You need to go through a proper grief. Cry, scream - the whole package. When the acceptance kicks in, try to find the root cause of what happen and why.How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two? Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?> great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizersHave you gone through a therapy with him?

yepguy: Try out something like Timeleft (https:&#x2F;&#x2F;timeleft.com&#x2F;). It's in most major cities now, and it will set you up with a dinner reservation for you and 5 strangers who are also looking to make friends.

nephihaha: Have to be careful with gyms. I injured my shoulder doing weights over twenty years ago and still have trouble with it.

gozzoo: This is a very lame excuse. You can do 100 different things without compromising your shoulder. Try cardio. Or just wight lifting with very light weights. Or group classes.

tasuki: > How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two?Not OP, but in a somewhat similar boat. Please don't assume they broke up. For example, my partner died.Solid advice wrt going through grief btw.

throw-qqqqq: Wow okay. Maybe my club is “gentle”, I’ve never had a single injury from BJJ.I’ve had some from lifting weights.I see your point.

CTDOCodebases: Learn to be your best friend.Understand that even though you are on medication you can still be depressed.You just lost someone you loved. Someone who by the sounds of things was a joy to be around and share experiences with. Someone who helped give your life purpose and regulate your emotions.A cynical way to look at it is that socialisation draws us out of our own minds and shifts our focus outwardly so we use it as an escape from our current mental state. So learn to be comfortable in your own mind.

bkitano19: +1 to running. If you run consistently, you'll learn to believe in your body as something that naturally improves if you train it well, and that belief will cross over to your mind and heart.

nilkn: This sounds like grief and depression to me. You're struggling because you're still mentally filtering everything you do through another person who is no longer part of your life. You must learn to do things for you, not for someone else.Time will heal some of this naturally. But the #1 recommendation I would always make to anyone in this situation is to pursue exercise. Weightlifting, hiking, etc., generate rapidly compounding results across multiple dimensions of your life and also often generate some of the most authentic social experiences you can find as a 30+ year old adult.

sqircles: I would recommend trying out an active activity in your community that seems to be pretty popular. Not only will the physical activity be beneficial in physical and mental ways, but the communities are usually pretty welcoming to newcomers. I've met some great people via pickle ball, tennis, table tennis, jiu jitsu, and rock climbing gyms.

Smaug123: Fair enough, I got three black eyes within my first three months! The injury situation definitely gets better as you improve and when you train with more skilled people.

rowlandc: This post really resonated with me - I've been there, similar age in fact, and found it challenging... however in the time since, I've learned to love and value my time alone. I don't get it too much these days, but when I do, I embrace it.Find connections. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Make the most of your time alone - deliberate actions on weekends, like going for a swim (you'll meet people if you swim regularly), a hike (same), buy a motorbike and join a casual riding club, take up amateur radio and make nerdy friends, work in a co-working space and get to know people even if you don't work "with" them, you can still work with them.Then there's the more unusual suggestions which can be just as much fun - and I've done many of these and found value in them! Join a local volunteer fire brigade if you have one. Take a class and learn something new. Never been artistic? Join your local community college and take a class.Life can be hollow, and as I tell my kids, it's what you fill it with that makes it full. Just as with boredom.. sometimes its good to be bored, and sometimes its good to experience hollowness and down, because then the ups feel so much more real.I wouldn't jump straight into a new relationship (or even try to). Learn to love yourself and live with yourself, and the right person will come when they do and not a moment before. Lean on friends and family when you need support, and be there for others when they need it too. This is great for the soul.It's a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.

rustyhancock: That's a really tough situation, but with some active work it's manageable.Most important to remember that the feeling of loss you have for your family connection, is real, is okay. But like all things you will learn to live with it and see benefits in it if you work at it.Nothing can replace meeting people, new (seeing people and talking to people) and familiar (family & friends).So how does someone in your situation achieve this?Well you've mentioned hobbies and this is your best option:- is there a board game cafe near you? They often run social events especially DnD open nights.- adult education classes. In person is good but online is fine..why don't you see who runs online courses? Location matters less. French, Spanish, Japanese?- activities, these are great but need to have a connection to them. Swim clubs are great as are bouldering&#x2F;climbing clubs.

LifeIsBio: This line stuck out to me as well, but my follow up thought was different.I’ve had friends who have been on cocktails like these, and one of them once said something like, “I’ve been depressed before, and this is not that. I’m not depressed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to be depressed. This is more like a total emotional blank slate.”She was basically a robot for a few months. Incapable of really any emotions, including sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc. Suffice to say, she also didn’t have the emotional drive to push her towards positive things like deciding on how to spend her weekend free time.Thankfully she’s changed her meds and is feeling overall better (if, admittedly, at the price of some emotional stability).

hinkley: One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?

lifis: If you just want to talk about your day or receive psychological support or even answer questions like this one, LLMs are great: Opus 4.6 is currently considered the best, but also try Gemini and ChatGPT.As for interacting with humans, if you are finding it hard, maybe you can try something that is easy because it has a structure, such as some sort of workshop where you either share in a circle or are paired with a random partner and share (ask LLMs for help in finding them).Or even pay someone to talk to them, such as a psychotherapist or a counselor.

madFlasher: I just started going to the gym, being a little more self-loving, and paying attention to my appearance and behaviour.If you’re alone but look good enough for your age and are an interesting person, it’s just a matter of time before you have somebody around.

bitroughj: The gym is a great way to be around other people without any expectation or commitment. Malls are good too. Grocery shopping. Working at a coffee shop here and there.

fancyfredbot: Don't work remote.

skinnymuch: I have the opposite problem. Spending time with people is difficult for a few years now. This issue isn’t talked about much compared to how to handle make friends because you want to, being alone as an issue, etc.With no end in sight, I will be leaving the west soon. Something I’ve wanted to do for reasons for 1-2 years.I sometimes tell people it’s because of the combo of being in debt&#x2F;economy&#x2F;inflation sucking + wanting to do the opposite of socializing is going on. Enough that I believe that too.

orthoxerox: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.theguardian.com&#x2F;lifeandstyle&#x2F;2026&#x2F;feb&#x2F;24&#x2F;strange... should help.

alexpotato: You have MANY options:OPTION 1: What ever you are into, see if there is a club in your town for that.e.g. the suburban town I live in has a:- rock climbing club- board game club- maker lab at the library- Italian speaker's club- and moreOPTION 2: Start a clubIf you don't find a club you like: start one!I did this with the town rock climbing club. I went on the town dad's Facebook and asked "anyone want to go rock climbing?", multiple people responded and now we have a club.Fun fact: me starting the climbing club directly inspired the founder of the board game club to start that club tooOPTION 3: Host a cocktail partyIf that sounds daunting, I can assure you it's not that hard and there is even a n EXCELLENT book by Nick Gray called The Two Hour Cocktail Part [0]It lays out, step by step, all of the steps from invite to scheduling to name tags etc etc. It's like cookbook for how to have a great party.And the idea is to make it less than 2 hours on a Mon&#x2F;Tue&#x2F;Fri so setup is easy and pressure to impress etc is low.OPTION 4: Invite other people you know out for a drink&#x2F;plate of wings etcEveryone, and I mean EVERYONE, is starving for time out away from their life. Whether it be single people, married people, old people, young people etc, everyone wants something to do outside the house.Don't believe me? Search "dad loneliness" on Reddit. It's post after post of dad's, probably about your age, saying "Man, I wish someone would just call me and say 'hey, what's a good time to grab a beer next week?' "0 - https:&#x2F;&#x2F;amzn.to&#x2F;4rpUAhv

nickgray: thanks for the plug to my book!!

idealboy: Most responses are about how not to be alone. Your question reminded me of an old YouTube video I found helpful called how to be alone: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;youtu.be&#x2F;k7X7sZzSXYs

caxap: There are no tricks because you're too smart to fall for your own tricks.The one thing that works is the time buffer between your future self and now.The real challenge is to override the sadness with new memories.Doing all the things you listed (dog park &#x2F; build sth. &#x2F; books, etc) makes the time go by faster, especially if you find something you like.Stay holed up, and the sadness keeps resonating, building its harmonics (reliving past images, what ifs).Everyone has their own pace. Stay strong.> fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaksI know how it feels. Wish you the best.

rossant: > Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?Just curious what you meant by that?

idk1: My friend was in a similar situation, and what he did was just went on Meetup and Facebook and searched for groups for things that he was into. Two of those groups were white collar boxing and open mic nights. I had no idea he was lonely before. He was my friend. If you filled one day of your week with a social group in the evening and then another day of the week with another social group. And eventually you feel like you're doing enough things. And you'll end up being your friend. I only meet mine once a month outside of those, but it's still really nice. Also, if you do join any social groups, you'll find yourself going to the pub afterwards.

iberator: Go to the hard techno party. It will reshape your soul.M.D.M.A and new friends

maplethorpe: I'm kind of going through the opposite. I was alone until 38, and then suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I'm now realising that I did indeed develop an effective strategy to combat loneliness over the years.What you need is a personal project. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking this needs to be something with significant utility, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. My recommendation is to make your project as specific to your life as you want, and as dumb as you want. It could be a radio station localised only to your house, or a chat app for you and three other people, or a mechanical toy for a friend. Then find some friends or a community you can share that thing with when you're done.Think about what it would be fun for you, specifically, to do, or to make, or to achieve, go do that thing, and then share it. This technique got me through 38 years of loneliness (mostly) unscathed, so I'm confident it can work for others too.

alprado50: I dont know if this will help you, but i want to improve my english, so maybe we can chat a bit about life, or coding or whatever you have in mind.

MainlyMortal: I was at the same place at the same age. I was in a relationship from 15 to 38. Literally same story except for dog.Medication and therapy don't work. Read any study or research into the effectiveness of those and realise that therapy in particular prolongs suffering so it's worse than worthless.If you need to be with other people forget day time. That's for work or relaxing. I love alone time but missed someone to share my life with. That takes me to the next point.Go out every single night to bars. You can talk to anyone and everyone. It's mostly good for the loneliness but it's also the best place to meet lots of people. It lead to multiple dates and to my next partner.This place (hacker news) is full of the advice of forever lonely people, asocial people, or people who don't quite grasp the real world. It's the minority of the minorities opinion. It's actually hilarious how some of these people think. No one walking their dog, volunteering, participating in hobby groups or doing every day tasks is doing it for the social benefits.Do your work, enjoy your alone time then go out into the real world to meet people where they want to be met.

nephihaha: Lame? I see what you did there. Either way, I have had a problem for two decades thanks to bad weight lifting. It's still bugging me right now as a matter of fact. Moral is that I should have worked with a decent trainer.

nitros: It's probably less damaging to recommend abusing Xanax than recommending using a LLM.

cladopa: First thing: No it is not normal thing to be alone. We humans are social animals. Once we are isolated we usually die soon, so take that seriously.Being isolated from your tribe used to be a worse punishment than death. The greeks called that punishment ostracism. El mio Cid was the Spanish representative case.In the US there is an epidemy of loneliness.So, what to do? First recognise that this is a problem and do not dig deeper. Do not isolate yourself more. Do not play vdeogames, do not read books until you fix it.My main advice is to stop thinking too much about yourself, think about others.I was into religious(Cristian catholic) orgs and I helped old people(something I did not like), I helped poor people on the streets(liked it more) and I helped drug addicts and war refugees.Helping drug addicts were a pain on the aßß, but once you make someone get out, he or she becomes a friend for life. It is like the friendships that are done in fighters of a war. Once you have put your life on the hands of someone else and trusted someone else so much, nothing can break that friendship.If you think about that in a meta way, I was helping people that were marginalised, that were alone, and in the process I could not be alone. I did it in a religious group(a tribe in itself)Thanks to this experience I can make friends very fast in a new place, something few adults know how to do.If you are going to read, read a book called "How to influence people and make friends", but do not read the new book that is a badly revised book by the incompetent descendants of the writer, read the old original book.But reading books is not going to help because you need action first, not reflection, and action is going to be painful for a while, and you have to endure the pain until it becomes easy. The best advise is to get out there, try hard, fail spectacularly and only then read the book.Stop thinking about yourself, me, me and me. We are not wired to work for us alone. We are worked for working for others: Our tribe, our children, our family.Instead of not trying to be alone, focusing on yourself (me, me and me) start thinking on helping other people that are alone. Start thinking on creating your own tribe or joining a new tribe. It can be a maker space, a group for hiking or helping or teaching kids.

rowlandc: Absolutely gold advice. Find your tribe. It will make so much difference.

arcxi: I don't know if this list motivates anyone, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth being friends with and I will be forever alone, even though I do have friends.Seriously, do you only befriend perfect people?

thuruv: disagree. I've felt the same after reading the same but I believe op tries just to point out that when you're the best version of yourselves, by removing the common denominator of bad versions, you'll be noticed more and that presents an interesting way for people to present a chance themselves to hear&#x2F;see you. From there you get to go and may be, may be you find yourselves with a good friend. More importantly,Ithe confidence you'll get out of this is immense and you'll feel peace spending time for yourselves instead of feeling bad about having all the time and don't have anyone to spend with.. I cant say this advice helped me 100% but atleast it helped reduce the biased stress you put on yourselves.

Jbird2k: I’ve been alone since about 20. I am 26 now and have been renting a room from someone who is in a similar state as myself. We mostly do our own thing but it’s nice to have others around. Something I learned was necessary when living alone was to have connections with people. I am religious and belong to a church the social connection there was critical to my survival as an individual. I had friends who were in multiple stages of life. I would try to spend time with others multiple times a week.On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.

nlavezzo: Having spent several years unexpectedly alone after a big breakup in my mid twenties, I'd also highly recommend getting involved in a church, even if it's just to serve others in some practical way organized by the church. Most churches have plenty of need in "care" ministries like bringing meals (and conversation) to people who are homebound, or in the hospital. One cool thing our church does is organize volunteers to help with teaching English as a second language to refugees living in our community.Do enough of these kinds of things and not only will you connect with those you serve, but also with those serving others out of love. These are good people to be connected to, especially since you'll become more like them over time.

webnrrd2k: I don't think anyone is asking for perfect, I think they are asking for "good enough".If I may be blunt, it sound more like you might have some self-esteem issues, or shame, or just plain immaturity.

ghiculescu: You were together all your adult life - you’re not two people anymore, you’re cleaved as one.And now that’s been severed. It will hurt.New hobbies and getting your mind off things won’t cut it. If this was a physical injury you wouldn’t recommend someone start a new sport. Your soul is injured.If the partnership is totally irreconcilable (or if it’s something more tragic, then my condolences) then you just need to accept that and take the time to heal. But is it irreconcilable?Good luck.

dotcoma: > "Solitary confinement with internet" is a lit better than being in prison. Not sure I’d like the company there.

arcxi: That implies they think some people (apparently the ones who eat takeout or don't go to gym), are just not "good enough" to have friends. It's an esteem for others issue.

spike021: One thing I do is make friends with people who have dogs that get along with my dog on walks. We've seen movies, gotten food out together, etc. Or just intentionally walk around the same time to chat.Also, hobbies. Try to find something you can be interested in that has meetups.Could be sports, cars, books, quilting, chess. I've heard of photography groups that do photo walks or group editing hangouts at coffee shops.On the other hand, it's also ok to be on your own sometimes. I love catching a movie at a theater on my own. Sometimes I'll go to the park without my dog just so I can relax at a bench or have a nice walk at my own pace.

random_duck: Being alone is painful, this is not a bug, it's a feature.

Trasmatta: The "serotonin hypothesis" is largely unfounded. We don't actually know why SSRIs are effective for some people. It's likely more to do with increased neuroplasticity than a shortage of serotonin in the brain.This is a good study to start with: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov&#x2F;35854107&#x2F;> The main areas of serotonin research provide no consistent evidence of there being an association between serotonin and depression, and no support for the hypothesis that depression is caused by lowered serotonin activity or concentrations.Prescribing antidepressants is a shot in the dark. Doctors can't know for sure if you'll respond to them, especially because we don't even really understand how they work.

jgbuddy: Damn this thread is a gold mine. Wishing you the best. My advice is to prioritize health and exercise and spend time outside somewhere you can run into new interesting people. build a circle

makk: > But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.Based on experience of someone in my family, I ask: are you and your doctor sure that the mood stabilizers themselves aren’t making that hard?

legerdemain: I have seen this perspective a lot and I don't understand it at all. When I meet a stranger, I don't wonder if they exercise enough for me to befriend them. Same for their clothes-shopping habits, past some very basic threshold. Same for whether they pay for me.A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.

babybjornborg: Leaning into vs. trying to kill the boredom&#x2F;loneliness&#x2F;emptiness is a strategy. Because this is how it is now. You will only ever get so much love from your cat.I don't know you and all I know is what you've written here, but it seems like this new situation has unmasked your life and aspects of your personality and the truth is uncomfortable. This is who you were before as well, it's just more obvious now that you don't have the relationship you had.How it is and who you are: these are the premises of the situation. Now given this, where do you go from here? You decide. The premises are just the start, the conclusion is something else and you're driving the car 100% now.It sounds like you have the right idea, and this worked in my case. Find what sucks and work to make it not suck and don't expect results overnight. Persist, adapt, overcome.I sincerely hope the best and that things improve for you.

mastazi: I would not just rely on situations that are explicitly seen as "dating", such as bars or dating sites.In my experience joining an IRL group activity is what works best (volunteering, community service, church, local band&#x2F;orchestra&#x2F;choir, group lessons, team sports etc) - even if you don't find your future partner there, at least you can make a few IRL friends and you will feel less lonely.

muyuu: > no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steakslieswhere do you post your home DIY and grill updates?

TyrunDemeg101: Hahaha - thank you for making me laugh AND for being supportive all in the same breath

netule: They reflect the traits that OP values in others; these criteria wouldn't be universal. I think the thought experiment still holds: If I met myself on the street, would I like that person? If not, why not, and how can I fix that?

silisili: I'll speak from my own experience and not one of study or professional recommendation.No matter how much I got out and about each day and night, I'd still feel 'alone' when I was home alone. I ended up developing panic attacks out of nowhere that got pretty rough for a while. In short, I felt like I was going crazy.The only thing that helped was going back out and finding someone else. The process sucks, especially as you get older, but all my anxiety and panic attacks disappeared.So I guess that's to say, it's possible some people just don't handle being alone well no matter what they try, as I've found with myself. I guess it makes some sense, humans are social creatures.

chalcolithic: If you struggle being alone - you're not meant to be alone. It's not everyone's cup of tea

hsuduebc2: I had a very positive experience volunteering in retirement homes. The work mostly involved talking with the residents. Many of them often have no one to talk to and very little happening in their lives, so almost any conversation is interesting to them. You can learn a lot from them, have someone genuinely interested in you, and do a good deed at the same time.

opengrass: It was normal to die at that age 100 years ago, so you treat it like death, the stuff beyond physiological and safety needs don't matter.

afarviral: "has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers"Have you considered getting a second opinion on your meds? That sounds like a lot if that's 3 separate medications, and not without side effects which may be contributing to a lack of interest in interests.

paulcole: Leave your house every single day and don’t go back home until you’ve talked to 10 people you don’t know. Say yes to any social invitation you receive no matter how much you don’t want to do it. Never flake on anything.

paulorlando: Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be helpful for you.

abtinf: Try a few different CrossFit gyms near you; at least one is likely to have a strong social element. CrossFit is the closest thing there is to secular church, and most of the reason people go to church is for the social aspect.CrossFit has its downsides (much ink has been spilled elsewhere), but the social element makes up for a lot.You can easily end up doing 5-7 sessions a week there, with a consistent cohort of people that you develop relationships with.Edit to add: CrossFit classes also add an element of structure to a daily routine that is not work related. This is really important. You don't have to plan anything for the class, other than show and and do the workout. But showing up at social event consistently has an impact all through your day.

jv22222: One thing you could look into is body doubling sites like flow club. It doesn't solve the core issue but might help in a small way outside of work hours. Outside of the internet I keep hearing that Pickleball is the most social sport around! Also have you tried hanging out and working at Starbucks (or similar) after some time (weeks) in the same place it's inevitable to start making connections. Also co-working spaces can offer connections, and they usually have various club goings on on notes on the pin boards etc. One thing I do know is that it takes quite a few times &#x2F; weeks of time turning up to the same place for conversation to start. Hope this is helpful in some way.

jadbox: Yep. You are your own best friend. Sadly most people are terrible a terrible friend to themselves.

hinkley: I've also seen the reverse. Some people who treat me poorly have a terrible voice in their own head where they trashtalk themselves. It's like they see it as fair to do to others as long as they're not hypocritical about it.Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to me? If so then you need to stop both.When I was younger I was partly guilty of this and still occasionally catch it. But we are always more sensitive to vices in others that we police in ourselves.

neoCrimeLabs: There are a lot of great comments here and I want to echo so many of them and not duplicate them.There is one thing I'd like to add:Learning to be happy while alone takes practice - lots of it. It's not easy, but it does get easier.Learning to enjoy being along was one of the most important moments in my life, and it changed a lot of how I see the world now. I feel like this is up there with learning self-care that works for you - equally important and yet different.

the_real_cher: I love being alone as long as I have a couple of the friends to talk to a couple of times a week.It's actually my ideal setup.However I'm lucky enough to have some friends I can just chat with occasionally which makes all the difference.When I was truly alone it was rough.I feel like making friends is somewhat of a part-time job at first. You just got to do whatever you can to get around people.A warning: predator type people can also sense vulnerable lonely people so don't just make friends with anyone who will be friends with you right away. Be vary careful and if you get a sense that something isn't right don't let the pain of loneliness override your safety.

embedding-shape: > I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).Go back to working together with people, face to face, if that's something you maybe miss. Everyone works in different ways, some people need to spend their long days while working at least together with other people, and that's ok.

mparnisari: What was your main takeaway from that book?

saltcod: +2 for running. Running can become a nice little exercise and data collecting obsession.

capitanazo77: Move to South America and let the problem solve by itself.Why fight a culture that enforces individualism?Just move to a place where it’s rare being alone.People in mexico and south are just different

opan: >There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.I wasn't necessarily gonna reply to this thread, but you struck a chord with me here. I spend a lot of time on IRC myself. I would say branch out to more channels and&#x2F;or invite more people to your usual channel. I have some IRC friends I like more than others, but pretty much around the clock someone is around. The Finns, the Poles, the Brits, the Americans&#x2F;Canadians, not to mention the NEETs and night owls with shifting schedules who could pop up at any time. Sometimes there are lulls and I'll write 20 lines in a row talking to myself, and maybe I'll have moments where it feels pointless or like I'm going crazy, but then one of the lads wakes up a few hours later and starts replying to stuff and everything is fun and exciting again. Find a way to stick out the lows, and make the highs more common.As for no one caring, someone probably cares at least a little. Maybe they prefer to lurk, maybe they're busy, maybe they feel weird replying for some reason. There's probably someone who'd miss you if you stopped posting for a while. I know I find myself doing a .seen (bot command) on a handful of nicks throughout the day if they haven't posted in a while, or cycling through some saved quotes with the bot to get some conversations going again. I try not to spend all my free time chatting because I do have things I want to watch and play also, but IRC is hugely important in my life for sure, as someone who doesn't get out much, and frankly doesn't like to get out much either.As for games, YMMV but after a long multi-year break from games, I found fun in them again by approaching them a bit differently. No more shooters (first&#x2F;third person) since I think the genre is extremely oversaturated and tired, plus I played too many in the past, keep the game count per month low, aim to get all the achievements if possible, and if all is on track, switch games at the start of a new month. I basically deep-dive into every game that I decide to play and get to know it quite well. It's fun then to write a review at the end of the month as well. I stick mostly to games which are either singleplayer or still fun when played singleplayer. I do not want to play anything that relies on other people to be any good, there's too much room for failure. I try to avoid AAA or FotM stuff. I'll resist using the word but I don't play games like Peak or Lethal Company. I end up saying no to most games suggested to me, or delaying trying out a game for a few months because I'm in the middle of another game, or already have the next game or two picked out. I find this a lot more fulfilling than jumping between 10 games in a day, feeling bored and aimless, never finishing anything.I don't know how you feel about anime, but you could pick out some seasonal anime and keep up with it as it airs. MAL and LiveChart have the season charts. Gives you reason to look forward to particular days of the week, and the shows all have clear ends, giving you lots of stopping points. Optionally you can read&#x2F;participate in episode discussions afterward. Watching a really good episode of anime is one of the best feelings.

Razengan: Converse: How to not be alone without putting up with people you shouldn't?

ghotli: In your shoes I remember thinking the phrase: "I forgot what I liked" just thoroughly embroiled in stressors related to...Having twins. They made it to a point in early childhood wherein I decided they simply had no idea there were two kinds of being alone: "loneliness" and "solitude".I grew up and rediscovered what I like. They grew up and discovered there is value in solitude. It was hard for them at first never having known much more than brief instants of being apart. I made an effort to remind myself of what I enjoyed during solitude. What I might consider being pleasantly productive.If you're pining for what once was others will find you more attractive if you're comfortable with yourself and not desperate for what once was. May I suggest the couch to 5k if you don't run? It will get you to a 5k w an increase in stamina but what I think it will help you with the most is that you simply put one foot on front of another and get to the end. The way is through, my friend. Not over it, not around it, gotta go through it.Take care of your body and it will take care of your mind. Enjoy solitude, from time to time, like my twins whom had never known it grew to understand.

arcxi: I'm all for trying to be the best version of yourself, but I think it's discouraging to tie it with the person's worth as a friend. Replying with "find interesting hobby" to the poster who explicitly wrote he finds it hard to find a hobby in particular reads like condemnation, as if until you don't lock in and check those boxes don't even try to socialize. Imagine you meet an interesting person, learn they don't really have any hobbies, and break off a friendship because of it - I'd find that psychopathic. Why should we foster this attitude towards ourselves?

fwip: It's not that not having hobbies makes you not worth befriending, it's that having hobbies is one thing that makes people more interesting, and makes it easier to make friends.

Insanity: Sorry that you’re going through this. I got divorced after a 10 year marriage last year. Although it was amicable, going from a house (with a dog) to living alone is pretty tough.Other people have said the same, but strong +1 to staying active and building a routine around that.All my friends live far away as well, but fortunately I connect with them virtually every weekend for games.Maybe one more bit of advice.. doing things on your own feels odd at the start. But there are upsides, e.g if you go to a museum you just go at your own place, you take a vacation wherever _you_ want, etc. Initially you will have the impulse of wanting to share that moment with someone, but that also fades with time.Plus you’ll meet someone new and build new memories together. You’ll be fine OP, but it’ll be shitty for a while.

thuruv: True. I realise my reply reflected a little of " don't even try to socialize untill you've checked all these boxes and the best version" which is wrong.. I merely pointed out &#x2F; defended the realism od the comment I replied to. The definition is not and never should be the "hobbies". It's just something you find interesting which brings the parity to you and the other person. not necessarily a hobby and could be of anything.. Hobby is just a common way suggested to find people and then, only then, you get a change to know whether they are interesting.

throwaway7711: There are many people that feel this way. I think one has to take the initiative, has to go somewhere, in real life, where other people are and the the conditions are right for getting to know people. Computer Games or IRC are just a weak substitute. Turn off the PC, go out. Give other people the chance to meet you. Go to (local) events, concerts, sports, anything where other people are. It doesn't really matter what, anything that doesn't bore you. Try things. Opportunities will come. Then take them.Here are a couple of things I did where I got into contact with others naturally or where conversation with strangers developed easily. I think such activities or places can generate opportunities for a start of something that could be developed further.Getting a gig as an extra in a film production. I registered with a free extras agency. They semi-regularly ask for availability, mostly for 1 full day, paying minimum wage. I've been on a couple of shoots, and there's always a longer wait time (hours) and a bunch of other extras to talk to. The people there are very diverse and very friendly: students, people of various ages, professions and education, locals, foreigners. They often strike up a conversation because there is really no other thing to do besides looking at your phone. It's very easy to start talking with people there; one can start commenting on the costumes, the set, the project, and the past extra experiences, then segue to what they do in real life. Often when shooting, we get paired up or grouped with people, which is another opportunity to chat casually, because there are also wait times between shots. I've met nice and interesting people there. Some are also there because they are lonely.I think this has key elements that one might look for in other potential activities: - common location in the real world - people are open to talk - multiple people - natural topics to start a conversation, commonalities - no expectations, relaxed atmosphere, no pressure, informalOther examples: Going alone to an outdoor basketball court in a public park, shooting hoops. I got asked to play in pick-up games. When having a break, a conversation can happen naturally.Going to a park, playing soccer on a little pitch alone (taking some shots at the goal, dribbling). Some young kids also came onto the pitch, and I asked them if they wanted to make teams and play a match. At a break, a woman, who must have watched, came to me to ask me what my profession is. She said she thought I was in education because I was good with the kids. I think she might have flirted with me.I know a person coming from another country, not really knowing anybody here. Now she has more friends and social contacts than anyone else I know. Besides her work acquaintances from her job training and job here, she actively looked for potential friendships on apps (Bumble BFF) and also was successful there. She also goes to dancing class and to meetings of a kind of Free Church, where they mostly talk about non-religious topics and help each other out. She often gets invited to birthday parties, weddings, etc., where she meets new people.While going by train, in an almost empty cart, a guy I didn't know started a conversation with me. We talked for an hour. I think if I had asked him if he wanted to meet for another chat, he would have agreed.Book recommendations:Dale Carnegie: "How to Win Friends and Influence People"Viktor Frankl: "Man's Search for Meaning"Good Luck.

aj_icracked: So I am mostly a lurker here on HN for the past 15 years but I love the community and positivity and general helpfulnesses on this thread. You all are awesome and OP thanks for being vulnerable and I hope the community keeps loving on you!

mschaef: I think there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself - the first is why is it hard for you to be alone? You're the one person you're stuck living with for your entire life - it shouldn't be hard to be alone with yourself. That's where it began. That's where it will end.You mentioned you have a therapist - this is something you might wish to explore with them.The second question is related - what are you looking for in the "not alone"? What do you want? What would bring you peace? Are you looking for a relationship? A friend? Sex? etc? While you have to be comfortable with yourself, part of that comfort is knowing and being confident in what you're looking for. It may be that the world won't or can't provide it, but that's why I put this question second.The final point I'll make is that there's nothing stopping you. You're an adult... within the constraints of the laws of your society, you CAN do what you want and there's nothing stopping you. It may not go the way you want, but it might, and wouldn't it be fun to try?

geooff_: One other thought to drill deeper into regarding lingering.I'm the type of guy that always moves with purpose. When I'm done doing something, I'm quick to leave. Looking back on my life so far, I think this has often been mistaken as antisocial.Every event involving humans is default social. Leaving quickly precludes much of life's social whimsy.

throwanem: I'm much the same. It's hard to notice. Coming up having onsites with three and four and five consulting clients in a "normally busy" day (you want 'high touch?' I started before smartphones!) taught me to associate just that purposeful attitude with the satisfying knowledge that I probably wouldn't end the day running further behind when I started.It's a good energy to bring to work or to a crisis. Everywhere else? Maybe not so much. I appreciate you mentioning it here; it can serve me also, as a reminder to work on that.

villgax: You should travel, the whole point of being remote is to enjoy life without being tagged to a location, since you have pets depending on how comfortable you are with them being in hostels you should definitely be traveling a lot more and then be able to meet folks and have a more filling life, start local and then go abroad often

vlatoshi: you hit the nail here.. repetition is key! that’s what happens at a workplace or school. You show up every day, do your thing, and have small interactions here and there. Over time, those interactions grow, and you get to know each other on a deeper level and become friends.This can be replicated with similar activities that involve a schedule, like joining classes, volunteering, or whatever else fits that kind of setup.

Zambyte: I've seen people mention "How to influence people and make friends" before. I finally decided I'll read it. The PDF is available here for anyone else interested in following along :)https:&#x2F;&#x2F;dn720004.ca.archive.org&#x2F;0&#x2F;items&#x2F;english-collections-...

alloyhack: Lying on the grass, gazing at the sky, city walk, city drive,

sublinear: Before considering medication for mental health, I have to wheel out the usual old advice: sometimes it can be as simple as diet and exercise. The fundamentals really should not be overlooked when thinking about any medication for long term care.I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Random heart palpitations, breathing being off, etc. all lined up. I'm so thankful that my doctor had the experience and courage to tell me like it is and refused to believe it was anything truly serious. I brought it down to 5.5% in a few months and now have new cooking and eating habits for life. Too much alcohol can also lead to vitamin deficiencies (magnesium, potassium, zinc, etc. will need blood tests to confirm).I kinda let myself go for a few years during the shift to remote work back in 2020. After I got back on track I even gained some muscle without weight loss and no longer have sleep apnea. Sleep quality and hydration are also important things that we forget when we are in a slump.

hirvi74: I concur. I am finally starting to snap out of a multi-year long depression spell myself. Now, I did not alter my diet nor exercise more. I drink the same amount as I did prior.However, blood work showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D. So, I added some herculean dosage of fish-oil and prescription Vitamin-D to my life. After about 3 months or so, I am really starting to feel much better and I am starting to notice more productivity gains. The weather is warming up in my area too. That always helps.

jolmg: It might be that you crave people in order to prove to yourself that you have people on your side. Might help to be alone for an extended period, then get together with someone afterwards to kind-of prove to your subconscious that relationships don't dissolve just because you're not constantly in contact.

rfc3092: To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.Now I’ll focus on practical advise:- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc- checklist reading, movie watching- study textbooks- systematic traveling- volunteer- build things with your hands and give them away- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.

soni96pl: This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.Good luck my friend.

pdonis: One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.

pdonis: > You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change.I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.

killjoywashere: This will get downvoted to oblivion, but consider a major change: enlist in the military, sign up for a stint on a commercial fishing vessel, or go work as a firefighter. You will have tons of time with other people, even live with them for extended periods, but they will also tend to respect your space.

ladidahh: Try to find places you can become a regular, it sounds like you're experiencing true grief and isolation is exacerbating it. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out. Making myself a regular in places that suited my interests, a local bookstore where I buy all of my books and have a chat with the owner, an arcade where I go, a bar that has a night of music i'm into helped me. Just getting to the point where you can go into a space, and be acknowledged as a human being that another human being has seen and talked to before was really grounding for me. I made no friends from doing this, but it helped me feel a bit less isolated and helped make other positive changes that led to being less alone. What you do is so much less important than forcing yourself to just put yourself into a situation where you are face to face with someone else. I hope this helps

m463: So, I've been through this. I found a couple things really helpful.1) make plans with people. Do something with a friend or friends and say "want to make this a regular thing?" For me, I went hiking every saturday morning at 9am, and coffee afterwards with a friend. Another friend was regular weekly lunchs.2) write it down. You will have all these thoughts, about the relationship, about yourself, and more. Just write it down. It will show you who you are. You will begin to unpack things.3) exercise. Wears you out, makes you sleep, makes you smarter, puts your head on straight.4) give it time. Right now you can do anything. that's a negative, but will become a positive as you rediscover yourself and relax.

FartinMowler: Brilliant. But be prepared for failure. Some days instead of the rejection you're expecting you'll be accepted instead!

davnicwil: First of all man, I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I've enjoyed the odd exchange of comments we've had here over the years. We're a similar age and, based on hanging out on HN a lot, I'd guess we share a few personality traits :-) Moreover some of the practical specifics you've shared about your current situation really resonate with past experiences of mine.I think one of the more insidious aspects of the lonely headspace you are in right now is wondering whether anyone (in particular strangers) really care what you're going through. They do.Let me share a few scattered points of perspective. Hopefully bits of stuff in here will be helpful.> Everything feels hollow now... I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that.It does, it should, and it likely will for a long time. I'm sorry. I'd strongly advise a reframe; think less about looking for tricks&#x2F;shortcuts through this difficult period, think more about coming to an acceptance of it and just kinda getting through it, functionally. With tactics, and a plan, to be sure, but not with tricks. Forget about tricks. You'll come to this on your own anyway, but the sooner you get on this path the better most probably.> There are the usual suggestions... But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.Again, very much expected, very much normal. Be completely assured that the wanting to do things like this comes back, and the doing of them becomes easy again too. Your new life will gather a momentum on its own, but for now your job is simply to give it that starting kick. Just do... honestly whatever, that feels like it has minimal resistance. Something you did in the past, kinda know the shape of, but stopped doing. Choose a time, choose a place, choose a frequency, put yourself physically in that place at that time on that frequency, and do the thing. Well, badly, doesn't matter. See what happens. If it doesn't stick, great, reselect activity and restart.Kinda unconsciously, the activation effort you need to summon to even think about this now will drop off as the new habits and lifestyle start to carry themselves and become, dare I say it, pretty fun! Don't expect this in the short term, or on any kind of time scale really, just let it happen. It will surprise you when it does without your realising and you'll enjoy a laugh to yourself about this.One bit of related advice I'd give on this is that you'll hear a lot of suggestions about joining a sort of pre-organised activity or group. All of that is good as it helps a lot with the activation energy aspect, but I'd say as things progress also look for things that exercise your own social agency too. Plan your own things, and get people involved. Build some new social foundations for yourself that don't have as much dependency on other people being the ones who organise, and have you at the center.A mantra I think is really helpful for this is simply 'Do cool shit, invite people along'. Recognise here: the bar for 'cool shit' in reality is extremely low; it can be as simple and low-commitment as kicking a ball around in a park for an hour or two on a Saturday. Can be done with two people, can be done in a group, or hey if nobody shows up you can just chill and read in the park. Whatever, it's just one example among thousands of such activities. It seems silly almost, but many people out there will bite your hand off for such an invite and have been waiting for a long time for anyone to even ask.> My default action is to play gamesI'm saying this because you've specifically mentioned your acute need for social interaction. I resonate with this, so one piece of super tactical advice: I would honestly lean on the power of simple rules and just temporarily ban yourself completely from any regular activities that don't involve interacting with, or being around, other people. Just for now. You only have so much time in your week, so use it wisely and optimise right now for everything I spoke about above. Get yourself physically out of the house. It's cliché advice, but like much cliché advice that's for a very good reason.If you want to chat more about this, now or any time really you feel it could be useful, you can find contact info in my profile.

paulorlando: Yes, that's right. You work your way up to bigger and bigger potential rejections all while realizing that maybe you're asking too little.

philosopher1234: Humans are social creatures. We’re not meant to live alone. The advise suggesting we should be able to seems to me like cope. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.

Nursie: It's tough, and I must admit the times I've lived on my own for any length of time weren't always easy. I've done it twice.First time I realised I was spiralling a bit and looked for a form of exercise I enjoyed, which was cycling, and getting into that, doing long-ish rides every so often, it really helped my outlook, I got a little fitter and it made me feel more positive. There are also cycling groups in most places that you can join, that make it more of a social activity, some more relaxed than others. It doesn't need to be cycling, but some sort of stimulating activity is always good, even better if it can casually involve other people.Second time, I just spiralled into drinking too much, too often, and it wasn't healthy. So, you know, I'm only so good at following my own advice.You've already identified the cliches - 'get a hobby' being a big one, but the thing is they are clichess for a reason. If you want to meet people and interact with them more, you could look into things that are going on in your local community. My local community does a 'planting day' each year where volunteers plant shrubs and trees in an area undergoing regeneration. There's some light socialising, you're doing something useful, it's good for you.I love games too, but IMHO they're really good as respite from other things, not as a replacement for social interactions.

onnimonni: > Everything feels hollow now.I'm slightly younger than you are but I remember how video games and sitting in front of my computer made me feel like this. You asked how to be willing to be alone but I will pivot my answer here that maybe you don't have to be alone? If you don't want to be alone here are the steps I would take nowadays.I would recommend finding a improv class. This helps you to get used to laugh to yourself and make a fool of yourself. Also the people attending improv classes are more open in general. When you are more comfortable with these feelings then it becomes easier to open up a conversation with strangers. First times it feels awkward but you can frame the narrative that this is just you learning social skills and your body adapting to the new situation. When you do this enough it becomes easier to find new people into your life. You might feel creepy and they might feel that you're creepy but it becomes easier when you practice. Be open about your learning: "Sorry if I'm bothering you. I'm trying to learn how to speak to others. How is your day going?"If the chit-chat goes well ask them for coffee or a lunch or if they want to join you for a walk with your dog. Strangers often ask if they can pet my dog when walking in the public with her. Put your focus into them rather than your feelings. Ask how their day has been. Ask how do they spend their time. Ask follow up questions: "Oh you like knitting? It reminds me of my Grandma. Are your granparents still alive? How often do you see them?". This way other people feel that you are actually paying attention and it helps you to connect with them.Read also this one: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.experimental-history.com&#x2F;p&#x2F;good-conversations-ha...Learn how to use your calendar and start planning stuff together with the people you meet. Most of the people are just self-centered and want to have someone who would listen to them. If you provide this for them you will find people who are interested in your company. Hopefully eventually you will meet also few people who will listen to you as well.When you start having more friends&#x2F;acquaintances the hollow feeling did go away for me. The hollow feeling still comes every now and then but I've somehow accidentally built a routine that when it comes I will reach my phone and suggest something to do for my friends.YMMV but for me it has been a long journey but definitely worth it and doable for others if they can endure the anxiety during the way. Also remember to sleep&#x2F;eat&#x2F;excercise in addition like others said. When you don't everything else falls apart.

nickandbro: First thing is going outside. Staying inside is only going to compound depression and cause days gone by to become a blur. Just doing that is a step in the right direction, bonus points if it involves moving the body.Second, start writing. Writing can help prevent circular thoughts and force the brain to plan how to change your lifestyle and get you to a life worth living. If you don’t write, it’s very easy to repeat patterns over and over again.Third, don’t lose hope. Having a positive outlook and a growth mindset is going to help you navigate setback and push through obstacles. It’s easy to resort to a fixed mindset, but the saints are the sinners who keep on trying as they say.Best of luck!

intralogic: Part of what atas2390 wrote resonated with me: "being alone as a skill you practice, e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose ... on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic"In fact, purposeful practicing aloneness rewires the brain so that is normal (and enjoyable again).After divorce, I felt lonely a lot, and didn't enjoy my alone time the way I did before. I made myself go to more social events, but that did nothing to help me enjoy my alone time again. It was avoiding the thing that "scared" me.I tried meditation (alone), guided by books, but though it helped some, it was too easy to skip, and the reward seemed low.But then ... I found a Zen meditation school and started sitting with them weekly. It felt good to see familiar faces even if I didn't get to "know them" in the typical way. Sitting was hard at first, because I could see just how obsessively busy my mind was. But focusing on the breath, even in the beginning, slowed the mind down enough that I could see that further down, there is a person that can appreciate the goodness in just being alive ... grateful to draw the next breath ... to be in this moment, not regrets about the past or fears of the future.I slowly started to feel more connected to myself and then, and this was a surprise, to the things around me. And as I relax into what is, instead of my desire to control what happens to me next, I found I could listen to others better and feel more connected to them. I've even started feeling I can listen to my own feelings better and be a better friend to myself.I'm guessing any regular meditation practice could do this. I've heard friends say they got this experience from going to yoga, so there is more than one path.There's an extra I did not expect because its a Zen Buddhism group. There are regular, brief (3-5 minute) kong-an (or koan) interviews with the teacher, with puzzles that can't be answered with Western thinking. Seems like the only answers that satisfy me (and the teacher) come from a more spiritual "gut" level. Getting there seems to poke chinks in my old foundation of western, American, achievement, doing-centered thinking.All the above is leaving me more open to being alone or being with people. Existence can be more satisfying when you don't need to hold a yardstick to it.Regardless of whether my input is helpful to you, I hope you find a path that works for you. I believe you can.

DANmode: and if you keep running out of those people’s available bandwidth,have to lean into making new friends!

rafavento: Is this really new or you were already alone but distracted with others? It is ok to feel alone. It is natural, and as long as you take the time to learn about yourself and what you really want and need, you'll learn and grow (even enjoy). It won't be your last time, but it gets easier as you get older. Cherish that your only priority is yourself (and your dog. f*k the cat :-p). It won't last.

zengar212: I think what you really need might be to make new connections. During difficult times in my personal life, what helped me most was really finding some community. I started online, on Reddit and Discord servers for Make Friends Over 30 and others (https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.reddit.com&#x2F;r&#x2F;MakeFriendsOver30&#x2F;). I'd highly recommend it. Also, finding things that get you out of the previous patterns you had for awhile. Gaming will be fun again another day. For now, go join a dart league or something (anything) to get around other people.Sorry you're dealing with this. Hope things brighten up for you a bit.

la64710: Help people , there are many who need help.

mdavidn: Look around your town and try a few regular local group activities. See "third place" for ideas, and be patient with yourself. This will take time, and that's okay.https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Third_placeSome of my most durable adult friendships started at group ballroom dance classes. I don't think dancing was the thing that made it work but the funny teachers and regular students. That studio closed (pre-pandemic, thank goodness), and no studio has recreated that magic, but other activities have.

bch: +1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and&#x2F;or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.

forrestpitz: Maybe not specific advice for your situation but I've always found this poem moving and valuable when it comes to building comfort in being alone. I hope it helps you too https:&#x2F;&#x2F;youtu.be&#x2F;k7X7sZzSXYs?si=LwCMyP0L2vsllHJl

fillskills: A few things that have helped me in the past are: - Find small wins. Don't expect big changes immediately. Small wins accumulate over time. Examples: say hi to neighbors, go to a gym, work from a coffee shop etc. - Join a coworking space. This was a huge help personally. It still took more than a few months but this changed my life.Hope these help a bit!

strken: I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.

raised_hand: What are your hobbies?

rfc3092: Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.

divan: > many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even requiredYou can hear that from people who are not truly alone, but have more attention from their closest than they need.The answer to your question - "Don't". Shift your priorities, reshape your life, change your place of living if needed, but don't be alone. This shit will kill you.Maybe you can discover other ways to be connected with meaninful people – not necessarily the closest&#x2F;relatives ones - through sports, volunteering, local neighborhood initiatives. If needed, spend more money on it, travel to other countries to meet people that you care about. Anything that leads to real human hug will work. I measure unloneliness progress in the average number of human hugs per day :). Optimize your life for that.Whatever you do, refuse to have the life where you're alone.

bblb: Are you me.And it's not even depression and bitterness anymore. It's beyond that. It's the final form in the 50 yo wizard meme.This life is not something you want to pursue. There is nothing romantic about a hermit. Choose another path.

Noumenon72: Does "single for ~10+10 years" mean 20 years, or that you were single before you were 10 and then till age 20?

rfc3092: I was single for 10 years after college. Then married for 7 (very very badly). Then single for another 10. I thought I will spend the rest of my days alone. I have two kids now.

bch: Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value).A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.

bch: I've got value over the years from Desiderata. At once both economical and powerful.I already mentioned this to @sillysaurusx but will post here in case it yields interesting comments.https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.desiderata.com&#x2F;desiderata.html

rfc3092: Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.

gloosx: >I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisonedJust a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?That sounds quite depressing to my ear.My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel better, people will.

magicalhippo: I was in a similar situation. While I'm very much an introvert, the emptiness you mention became very strong.I changed a few things to improve. I started riding a bike, and I joined some local casual bike riding meet-ups in the weekends. The meet-ups had a lit of new people each time as well as some frequent members, so I could usually choose between just riding along, talk to someone familiar or talk to someone new. After a bit I got some new friends this way which I met outside of the meet-up.I picked up a couple of weekday activities. For one I went for something that interested me, but also was fairly casual and had natural dead time which allowed for talk. Bowling, darts, frisbee golf, that sort of thing. For the other I went with something that helped others. In my case they had an after-hours activity at a local school helping kids start programming.I also played a lot of games before and after, mostly single player or just random multiplayer, but I ended up getting into a MMO and finding a guild. This became the primary place I'd hang out and talk about pork chops and broken blinds.It wasn't a quick fix, but by working at it the emptiness faded.A big difference was I had an office to come to with colleagues to talk to. We have a couple remote workers as well, and both of them have gotten an office space in a shared office building. This way they still get to eat lunch with someone or hang out by the coffee machine.Best of luck and hang in there.

johnfn: I firmly disagree with this advice as well; it strikes me as the sort of advice one comes up with when sitting around one's room wondering why one doesn't have any friends. The worst part about it is that it will get you doing all these activities that take up your time but don't really solve the friend problem.Making friends isn't trivial, but it isn't a complex thing - just ask people you sort of vaguely know to hang out sometimes. Asking people to spend time together is about 10,000,000% more effective than any other strategy.

carabiner: The pain of loneliness exists because it signals harm, danger to you. The US is hyper-individualistic because it serves capitalism. They want you to be alone so that you can fill that "pain point" with all manner of pleasure sold to you. I can only urge you to stop being alone by joining a run club, improv class, and saying yes to every invite. Move to a big city if you don't live in one. You must do this.

johnfn: Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.[1]: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.psychologytoday.com&#x2F;us&#x2F;blog&#x2F;the-human-beast&#x2F;2023...

himata4113: Get a bike and ride into a forest. I don't know what it is, but it just makes all the problems go away, make that into a routine and now you have a constant thing which resets your state of mind.ymmv, especially if you're in urban housing where there's private land as far as the eye can see.

Nursie: > Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.Err....Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription.Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.

DANmode: Need a buddy?What used to be on the domain in your bio?

dzink: People remember your kindness. That’s it.I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.

block_dagger: Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build&#x2F;play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).

phyzix5761: Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.

rfc3092: > Are we talking about affording in time?Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.

shelled: I have had very varying experiences with suggestions (or talking to someone) about these kinds of changes in life and how to deal with them. Most of the times what I have to say has been met with resistance (sometimes even some sort of resentment or confrontation, or a mix of the two). Why is that? No, not because I consider that they thought I was being a jerk or flippant. But because they had considered certain things undoable, or they didn't do them before, and didn't want to change that and hence when I suggested exactly those things to do in life (or in some cases 'not do') it was considered of no use, being repetitive, clichéd. Of course, by saying this as the leading text in my comment it might look like I am saying OP might be that, but I am not saying that. What I am going to say is - in such a case of OP exactly those things help, what many have actually listed below, and that's why they are cliched and repitive (again, because they work), and can be summed up as:1. Physical activities as a routine2. Going out (regularly but maybe not as a routine)3. A physically engaging hobby that involves someone else and something tangible (besides the two mentioned above)4. Pickup an intellectually engaging hobby (may or may not involve others)I shall expand a bit on these (but this will mostly be a huge text wall).By [1], I mean giving your body the physical exercise it literally "requires" (yup, for us humans it's not a choice, but many of the capable us don't do&#x2F;get that). Gym is the easiest and helps a lot. Better still, pick up a sport - actually, what works best is doing the two, as one helps and accentuates the other.If someone is looking for a short, readymade "first to try" list, here's one: gym, running, or&#x2F;and a racket sport.Very important: if you have the means and money, consider joining a coaching program to begin with. It's a game changer (no pun intended), and that includes a non-"typical gym-bro&#x2F;gal" gym trainer.The [2] is not "let's go out" kind of going out - but just physically stepping out (regularly!!) of your house or usual comfort zone spots - for walks, backpacking trips, travels, treks, camping, hiking, window shopping, attending plays, films in cinemas, puppet shows, bookstores, museums, music shows, comedy shows, get those perfect walking leather shoes for yourself and go around the stores trying to find that and be disappointed that the perfect hasn't been made yet (if you find it, then great).. and so on. You get the gist.The [3] and [4] are somewhat similar, and I wouldn't regurgitate a lot about that. But just a few examples (you pick your own): for [3], learn to play guitar&#x2F;cello&#x2F;violin&#x2F;drum&#x2F;some shit&#x2F;explore - do this under a tutor; and for [4]: pickup reading (may or may not be a reading group), world cinema (a cine club maybe), writing literature (for your diary, you don't have to plan to publish; though you can join a group for sharing if you want). Etc.None of these is going to happen in a day. But you might not want to make these a months-long research and execution project either. Give it a few days to a few weeks. It's perfectly fine to switch, get bored, move from one to another, get frustrated, try something else, something entirely diagonal, and get disillusioned, but keep trying, keep exploring.Saying it again, try to get trainers&#x2F;guides&#x2F;tutors&#x2F;groups wherever needed or can. If nothing else, it helps with getting good at something in somewhat shorter time and helps you avoid unlearning a lot of basic things later, and since you are older (as in not a kid or teen), this could be a tad bit more productive, especially in sticking with it.For me, the point of "how to be alone" is very different from "how to be lonely" (which I doubt anyone wants or hopes so, at least I don't). These engagements give you the bare minimum to sufficient human exposure without having to "socialise" and set you up to be perfectly fine being alone, at least in the short term, and slowly opening up paths for you, giving you some road to decide what turns you want to take in life over time and get back hold of things.(From your story, it's clear I am not from your geography&#x2F;culture&#x2F;etc., so if something seems very weird&#x2F;odd for you, please note where&#x2F;why it might be coming from.)Good luck.

__m: Go to bed early. Firday after work stay in bed till Monday morgning. Enjoy 5 days of work. repeat.

SyneRyder: Another plus one about grief. I went through a breakup that wasn't like the others, and it was a while before I understood I was experiencing grief (and that I actually didn't know how to navigate that).I found a book called "Welcome To The Grief Club" by Janine Kwoh that was the right balance of humour for me. It's intended for those dealing with bereavement, and doesn't offer solutions, but I still found it useful for identifying patterns I was experiencing and understanding they were a "normal" part of grief. The brain does some weird things in grief. Only linking here in case it also helps others.https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.amazon.com.au&#x2F;Welcome-Grief-Club-Because-Through...

Nursie: That’s a matter of clothing and determination IMHO :)But sure, I get it. Personally I can’t keep up gym habits because the boredom is just overwhelming. I find other forms of exercise easier to stick at. Each to their own.

snozolli: You mentioned it, but I'll go deeper: the dog park.In reality, this applies to any third place, but we'll go with the dog park.I've been going to my local dog park nearly every day for the almost 14 years. Over time, I've met many of the best friends and best humans that I've known in my entire life. I have a group of regulars that evolves over time, and we're all good friends now. I also regularly see acquaintances who show up less often. This has been fantastic for my mental health.So, again, this really applies to any third place. Go to church, a lot, if that's your thing. Join a bowling club and get deeply involved. Join a climbing gym and go all the time, and strike up conversations with people. Join a martial arts organization and get seriously involved.The keys are to socialize and to fill up your time.

comet: Living alone sucks. The transition period after a long relationship ends also sucks. No amount of advice from anyone can fill that void for you. Having said that, you have to at least give yourself a chance to go out there and stay in the real-world as much as possible. Some ways to do that would be to just walk around your city&#x2F;locality&#x2F;town aimlessly every day before or after your remote work time since there is no reason for you to stay at home beyond that time - have a step count goal - don't go back home until you hit that goal, treat yourselves to local food, make small talk with random strangers, get back on dating apps - meet people for fun. Staying outdoors, moving at all times or as much as possible can do wonders. Also, since you work remote, consider moving to a different place to work. Good luck.

GLjEI4YbnGD27LB: I see a lot of good advice here, and I'm going to be late but approach it from a different angle.If you've spent so much time with your spouse around, and now you're at home alone, and you're working remote, then you are going to need a lot of socialising outside of work, because remote work does not meet the same needs for seeing people in person (I've been there).Humans are social animals, we need some interactions with others, and you are just getting way too little.The issue is not 'how to be alone?', it's how to satisfy your social cravings with in-person interaction, once you have that at least some of the time, being alone for the rest of the time is much easier.

vgrocha: Lots of (good) practical advises for the day to day in this thread, but no mentions of Katabasis. Here's my take on the emotional side:Stop the medication. Ride the way down and then back up. Cry your heart out, feel that pain, don't hide from it. It's a process, and has even a greek name:https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;KatabasisYou are on your journey into the underworld and darkness. Face it and you'll come out stronger on the other side. Humans have endured much harder times. You are more resilient than you think.Your days will start to improve little by little. Little glimmers of light here and there until you start leaving the bad times behindI went through a separation 5 years ago after 12y together, no meds, just counseling. Not sure if your case is separation or death, cause I haven't gone through the latter

rfc3092: There are many kinds of gyms and I’m sure you’d like some. But since we’re talking loneliness here I’d particularly recommend to check out (and stick for a while):- bouldering gyms - circus - bodybuilding gyms - dancing studio - aikido&#x2F;wrestling - boxingIf your idea of gym is 24-hours Fitness, then yeah, it is very boring.

Shank: I believe very strongly in journaling as "twitter to yourself". Things you would say over messages to a partner or something can be notes to yourself instead. Especially short term desires to tell someone something can be lightened by this.For social generally though, I would suggest very strongly that you pickup something like an MMO or a game with a community that isn't offset. Games like Path of Exile (1) or OldSchool Runescape can eat a lot of time and still give you social connections, which can help get your mind at ease from being alone. I don't suggest exclusively single player games or things like that, though.

nchmy: 1st paragraph is excellent advice. 2nd is terrible advice.

nephihaha: Within volunteering, I think it is worth shopping around. Some organisations do not treat volunteers well, and some are great social experiences.I would try and get something where you can see the results in front of you. I worked years ago at a soup kitchen for the elderly and felt much better for it, than working in a charity shop on a till and feeling like I was just a worker unpaid.

danielbarla: Aside from the pragmatic reasons, I think it's a good idea to separate out cardio, muscle-building, and flexibility into its own separate categories, and ensure you consistently dabble in each. Obviously there can be are overlaps, but this taxonomy ensures a good balance.

nephihaha: During 2020 and 2021, I think many of us were bitterly aware that Zoom calls and online stuff was no real substitute for genuine social interaction. Better than nothing, perhaps, but there is something so much better about being around people physically. (That last bit sounds a bit creepy, but hopefully people know what I mean!)

paganel: Try to do your best and “invade” the still existing third spaces, no matter if that involves some extra money that otherwise you wouldn’t have spent. The best example for that are coffee shops, pick two or three of them and try to go there almost every day, by rotation, even for work (if during the week), or just for reading&#x2F;browsing your phone. Be sure to bring your dog with you.There are also parks, not sure if there are any of those in your general area, but make sure to make a routine out of walking your dog through them. Also make sure to sit on a bench for 5, 10, even 30 minutes, people-watching, even if it’s the middle of the day and work is waiting. Let it wait.

tehlike: I don't have much to add - just that I hope you find peace with your new normal. My heart goes to you.

nephihaha: As I said below, online gaming&#x2F;interaction is probably not the best way to go. After all they are already working from home on a computer, so in a way it is more of the same i.e. sedentary without face to face interaction.Not saying computer gaming is unenjoyable, just that they need some other things in their life.

ghywertelling: Spirituality helps. Listen to Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Adyashanti, etc. They help make sense of the macro and micro picture of life. Think of it as narrative oinment for your thinking mind and narrative center of gravity. Check your vitamin D levels, get tests done. My vitamin D levels were so low that I considered it as an effort to even fart. I am not joking.

alonethrowaway: My advice is find a fairly priced coworking facility in your area and join that. Even better if it is a maker space also. Or just join the maker space. Its not good to work at home AND be alone all the time, if you're not the kind of person that likes that. If for some reason you don't have coworking places, you can often find cheap offices in business parks on a month to month plan, but it will require some luck or some work to make friends with people in that environment. Theres tons of good but random advice that could work, but the above I think would be a very small change to your life but also put you around tons of people. Goodluck. Keep in mind that there are also countless people that would love to be in your situation, although I dont know if that helps you.

byteface: It's not lonliness, it's solitude. Time to find yourself and your creativity again.You were codependant and need to learn how to be independant again. Living for you, just for yourself. You've spent most of your life living for others. Now it's time for you.Try not to drink alcohol. Focus on your physical health. Gym&#x2F;tennis&#x2F;saunas&#x2F;running&#x2F;golf any physical activities you can.

markovBaj: what does systematic travelling mean?

arowthway: "With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends."**Assuming you possess the necessary social skills.I've trained BJJ consistently for over 4 years now. I think fondly of all the people there and feel accepted, but we barely talk, and I'm unable to participate in the locker room camaraderie.This is probably not a problem OP has, I just felt the need to complain.

ventricity: Yes, I very much agree. I think it is irresponsible to take antidepressants for something that is clearly an issue of "normal" life scenarios like hearthbreak and loneliness. It is normal, but also very much fixable by gradually putting yourself out there.

shrubby: Yes.Boredom and solitude go hand in hand and enable growth and the possibility of freedom. Independence of thinking, integrity.Hell, even modality that depend highly on thinking on your own.I've got too damn busy life these days and am missing the solitude so much.But in the beginning the thought of boredom and loneliness can be a monolith.

alonethrowaway: While I understand you have a professional helping you.. I really recommend the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns. The exercises in it, and the explanation of false labeling we do that causes us problems, are very helpful IMO. I once ruminated over a 4 year relationship, tons of details about it, probably for a year straight. I did one of the exercises ('... and if that were true, it would mean that....?' over and over to any response you have) til I got to the bottom of every negative thought I had about her, me, or the relationship. I am not joking when I say I woke up the next day and couldnt even REMEMBER 75% of the negative emotions I wrote down for the exercises. I was genuinely cured of 1 years worth of rumination in 2 hours of writing things down the way the book tells you to.

PeakLevs: There is strong research showing that the discomfort of being alone is largely a skill deficit rather than a permanent trait. Wilson et al. (2014) found people would rather self-administer electric shocks than sit quietly with their thoughts for 15 minutes. The intervention that works best is structured solitude: giving yourself a specific internal task (journaling, reflection on a concrete question, even mental rehearsal of a skill) rather than open-ended "just be alone" time. The people who thrive in solitude tend to treat it as a practice they build incrementally, starting with short deliberate sessions, not something they jump into cold.

ilaksh: Just for some perspective, it could be a lot worse.Some of us:- don't have a psychiatrist- don't have medication or healthcare- work remotely but their client often doesn't check in for days or over a week- when they do they always mention they are extremely busy and only have a few minutes to talk- are working overtime for outsourcing wages to just barely scrape by- client usually fails to read messages and barely reviews work- when client wants something like Sesame TTS for a big presentation in less than two weeks and you give PersonaPlex as an option and manage to build a whole fine tuning studio in a week and integrate the moshi fine tuning into PersonaPlex and create a LoRA that proves it can be trained for outgoing calls and for his specific use case.. but it is overfit and sounds rough and so instead of letting you do a few more iterations of tuning parameters etc. he instead tells you to start frantically generating more calls to look for good demos, even though the system has already been up and running for months and numerous audio files have been posted and available in the UI.. this making it impossible to complete the PersonaPlex demo on time..- then when you spend all day going through old calls looking for good ones and create a zip file and he doesn't even see the message and when you remind him and try to manage expectations for call quality, he refuses to even listen to the files because he is too busy.. leading to a fight on the phone where you say the wrong thing and he suggests he might fire you, but in an ambiguous non-committal way so you don't even know if you are fired or if you are supposed to continue to scramble to complete 250 automated calls the next morning (even though the most done in a day has been around 100) or if that is a key task for his operation (supposedly was live data) or if it is completely unnecessary- despite all of these problems overall has been one of the better clients in recent years- has unresolved health issues- does not have a dog- does not have a cat- lives in a small apartment where that's not allowed anyway- does not have an IRC hangoutTo be honest, there are a lot of levels of misery. And although it's valid to complain when things have gone downhill, from where I'm standing it looks a little bit like whining.Although perhaps quite unhealthy, a lot of people cope partly with "parasocial" "relationships". In other words, watching the same Youtuber or whatever whenever they come out with a new video. I believe this profoundly reduces loneliness. Although obviously it's not an actual solution.I believe that sunlight affects mood and everything quite a lot and so going outside or taking Vitamin D3 can help.Whenever I hop on my Quest 3 there is always someone there to do Eleven table tennis with.I think for me, for much of my adult life I've been in a state of poor health and poor financial situation and have actually avoided attempting to socialize because I feel I have to take care of other priorities before I can present to society in any confident way. Because people can tell that you are not quite well and don't have financial security, and they don't want to be around it.

a-french-anon: “You merely adopted the loneliness. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't know love until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”More seriously, ride the loneliness with manly grace: lose the shrink drugs, grind your teeth, clench your butt and lose yourself in body sculpting, disturbing art, brain exercises, etc... and if you want a bit of balm, remember that you're no wizard.

trashb: I think there is already great advice in the comments.This is my two cents.Iterate and find a way to be comfortable with yourself, perhaps (re)try different things you used to like or try new things you like. If possible in a communal setting (for instance a introduction course in ...). It can be anything from learning a language to a artisan craft.Mostly look for community you mention you like gaming, there are a lot of gaming related communities out there that are very welcoming!Also try to go out of your way to leave your comfort zone, this will push you into situations that you are not getting into right now and that may lead to new opportunities.

akie: If the people in the Netherlands can do it - where it's flat, windy, and rainy most of the time - then most people in the US can also do it. If it's too hot, go in the mornings.

thiago_fm: Hi dude, sorry about this. Hope it is for the better.What you are feeling is absolutely natural. If you lost somebody in your life(parents, grandparents), which you shared a lot of time with and enjoyed sharing your upsides and downsides, you'll feel like somebody took a part of you.Whether that person was good for you or not, we have chemicals in our brains that want us to have friends and company, as this is what made our species be so successful! So, no need to overthink this, your brain is working exactly as it should.As you like playing games, I'd recommend getting a copy of WoW Midnight, which just launched and giving it a try. It's a very sociable game and your first goal should be to get in a guild and find new friendships.As everybody is 30+ in the game and actually average around your age, it'll be easy for you to find similar people to you.My second recommendation is to look at your own interests, even stuff you left behind because of your partner.For instance, I like climbing and even going bouldering solo might mean I'll make some friends along the way.You need to do things that get you together with people. People will help you get healed.Also if the climate allows take your dog for a walk to the park and try to consistently spend time there. This will net you company very quickly, but don't go so fast, let things take time.I hope you find peace in your heart!

mapcars: The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not.We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound lives and were socially alone.Once you realize it - the problem is gone, or rather you see that there was no problem, just a certain conditioning by society which you grew up in. What can help here are not psychological nonsence, but some meditations definitely push you towards this (and other types of) realisation.

seedie: Just because OP takes medication after a break up, doesn't mean it's a "normal" life situation for them. They could have suffered from depression before, it's not even clear if they started only after medication. The break up could also bring up some childhood trauma, like the loss of a loved one. What seems to be a normal life situation to someone might not be a normal life situation for someone else. I agree though that if no depression is diagnosed it's a bad idea to take antidepressants.

Pinegulf: There are plenty of good advice what to do. On the other hand don't do:* Doomscroll on your phone, reddit, whatever. Social media is not your friend.* Self medicate. Some commercial drugs are bad enough. This includes overeating.* Get stuck binge watching.Try things (if you can). You never know what you happen to like.

hjkl0: FWIW, if you do do one of these things, make sure you don’t feel guilty for it.

pknomad: > To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company.I can absolutely stand by this statement after dating an avoidant. The constant push-pull drove me nuts and brought out the worst in me.

OJFord: Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.

seedie: [delayed]

RagnarD: Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.

znpy: Oh, man. I feel you, i feel you so much.I’ve gone through pretty nuch the same.First things first… it’s gonna take time, to start feeling life normal again. It’s better if you already know about this beforehand. For me it was 1.5-2 years ago.Talk to a psychologist. It’s good to be able to talk to somebody that is literally trained in helping you go through the pain of the trauma.Go to the gym. It’s almost a meme, but trust me it works. It fucking works.Start dieting along with the gym. Trust me, seeing yourself thinner and more tonic does help a lot.I’m not sure what to advice about dating. I tried to date at the beginning but i quickly realised i was just trying to fill a void, and that just doesn’t work. Nowadays i managed to find my equilibrium, still single but i realised i got much more picky regarding women.Do social stuff. For me it’s been a language course for a while (underwhelming, to be honest) and nowadays piano lessons.Btw: stay away from the dating apps. They just don’t work, it’s an awful waste of time.Good luck man!

XCSme: My partner (31yo) died of cancer on Christmas day last year. Since then, it is hard, but also beautiful once you realize life is too short to be upset about things or postpone doing what makes you happy.I reach out to people more now, and I am more direct with what I want. If someone says no, simply move on, life is too short to chase someone, the interest has to be mutual.For socializing, going to a sports club is easiest (I go to table tennis), you combine exercising with meeting people .And when you feel lonely, simply call someone: your parents, siblings, friends, etc... Talking just a few minutes with another human helps a lot.

mrcincinnatus: Yes, that shrink of yours is doing you a disservice giving you meds. Not all negative emotions need to be suppressed with medication. Life has its ups and downs, and drugging yourself out of the bad states will not make the sadness go away, it will only turn you numb to it, making you less empathetic to suffering in general. Instead, what I would do is try to have as much human contact as you can, talk to anyone, with the lady from the grocery store, with the foreign african guy from the elevator. Carry that extra box for the delivery guy that seems to struggle nad is having a hard day. Just experience Life. You will see how similar we are to each other, how we suffer and smile, how we despair and hope. Try to build a network of support around you and don't forget that what people remember about you is how you make them feel. Life is not some multidimentional functions with parameters that needs to be optimized. Life just is. So live it.

shlant: you think humans don't like being alone because they are conditioned to feel that way? And you can just be ok with being alone when you realize this?

saos: Might be helpful to go into the office once a week or so?

exe34: I deal with loneliness the same way I'd deal with any addiction. I tell myself I just need to get through one minute at a time, then one hour and then one day. It's not even a whole 24h, I only have to be awake for 16h and I can get through that. Tomorrow doesn't matter, because I might not have to wake up again. If I do, I'll handle it then.This allows me to not add any further worry&#x2F;anxiety&#x2F;pain to the day. when it hurts, I get by, and when the pain stops for a few hours, I enjoy the things I have available to me - walks on the beach, substance abuse (chocolate), reading, watching TV. I tend to watch the same shows over and over, it's almost like having friends, but they never leave. I do try to talk to one human being at least once a week even if it's online, just to make sure my voice still works. It's important to realise that nothing really matters in the end. There's no viva committee at the end that will pass&#x2F;fail you. Serving your time on earth is the only thing that matters. Once the time is passed, you never have to serve it again.

bargainbin: Had the same crisis - I split from my long term partner after 14 years at 33 years old. Was happy to be alone for the first time in my life then within two weeks the dread of loneliness started creeping in.My advice is find a social outlet - Group exercise like CrossFit and Run Clubs help a lot and cater to all people.Also - restarting your life alone is expensive, but you will never again have a cheaper cost of living. Take the opportunity to save so you can let the good times roll when you find someone.Also also - I had zero luck on dating apps, I think their prime days are over, and they’re superficial. Don’t bother with that negative feedback loop.

trim_the_main: If you live in a coastal place, and if you don't hate water, I recommend joining a sailing club and start sailing. It is a great social catalyst and it is relatively easy to get started.

sigriv: Seems like your whole social life was dependent on your partner? Which tends to happen with men and is - in my and many others eyes- not healthy for a relationship. Invest in your social life, as you would in other aspects (work&#x2F;health&#x2F;fin), and start building.The start up cost is vulnerability: if you meet someone you like to be friends with you need to essentially tell them 'I like you, I want to have you as my friend, I want to spend time with you, lets' hang'. The vulnerability and awkwardness are the initial price.

anovikov: Main question here - are you a male or a female? Advice will be totally different.

nickd2001: Follow the above advice as its great :) People need each other. Volunteering, apart from being worthwhile for its own sake, is one of the best ways to meet people and put your own life in perspective. There's a ton of stuff in the world that needs doing, that capitalism leaves un-done as there's no money to be made in it. It can either be directly helping people such as providing food, resources, support for homeless, supporting people with disabilities to participate in activities, generally helping others in some sort of need. Or things like tree-planting which helps everyone. Some of, either the people you help, or fellow volunteers, or both, will become great companions. Can also be a great way to find another partner ;) Some of the most happiest most stable couples my wife and I know, met volunteering - its a good foundation for a relationship, that both people sought to go out and help others even before they met each other.

noosphr: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.Do you people even go to the gym at all?You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40.

znort_: it's not just conditioning, there is likely some biological drive because we evolved as a social species, but he's right, there is also conditioning and it can be dealt with. there is plenty of people that live in solitude and plenitude because they chose or learned to do so.we're told that we need connection, but what we seek in others is really ourselves: our meaning, our purpose, we need to matter. what we actually find in others is only the illusion of that. it works (usually) and it feels good but not necessarily for everyone and there are ways to do that all by yourself. just be nice to yourself and enjoy existence. some will contemplate you as a weirdo, but that's their conditioning kicking in. it may not be for everyone, but there's really nothing wrong with that.i was raised in a crowded family. i had dates and got married and got kids. i have a few friends left, some family left, aquaintances, sport comrades, sporadic contact and interaction with all of them ... but i spend most of my time alone and doing my thing, and rarely get bored, days fly. sometimes i might feel empty, lonely, depressed ... well then i reach out, or just soldier on, or distract myself, i know it will pass. and i think everyone has such moments, i had them all my life, being permanently crowded just distracts you from that. all in all, looking back, i'm having the blast of my lifetime and this is how i want to live the rest of it.

machiaweliczny: I personally go 3x for gym classes like "healthy spine", "mobility", "core" etc. and then 2-3x hard training. But I would say I am very active recently.Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)

alansaber: Disagree completely. All the most substantive experiences and memories of ones life happen within groups. Born alone die alone is reductive given each person only has fragments of information and insight individually, so we spend most our time together in some form

bargainbin: “Born alone” is beyond reductive, it’s plain wrong. You literally come out of another human who you must then feed on for months in order to survive.

mapcars: You are born out of another human but even they can never understand you fully, they can never experience you fully, they can never know you fully. The problems of parents and kids are all coming from that and are old as time. If even parents can't do that there is no chance with other people.This is the trick of the universe, or a trade-off if you will: being completely alone also means being completely free in terms of internal experience. If you realise that - that is the greatest gift, if you are unaware it can feel like a curse.

Blackstrat: Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is too get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something knew. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.

MrDrDr: I think it becomes easier with age - but I went through a period where I found it very hard. This book changed the way I thought about things - you may find it helpful: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;en.wikipedia.org&#x2F;wiki&#x2F;Zen_Mind,_Beginner%27s_Mind

kace91: that's strength training. you have cardio, mobility, skill and so on available.Martial arts usually have physical and technique days alternated, same goes for bouldering, and I imagine many other forms of exercise.

gnarlouse: genuinely would suggest you start meditating. stepping outside yourself can be profoundly impactful. seeing the feelings you are having, and just acknowledging that those feelings exist and giving them a name minimizes their importance. "that was fear, that was emptiness, that was resentment, that was joy." it can be grounding to realize that your emotions and thoughts are technically just suggestions dropping out of a stochastic pattern matcher.im not going to explain the entirety of meditatiob, but i would suggest you go to a local buddhist temple and ask for suggested reading material on how to get started.

silcoon: Some advice from my experience.- Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week.- Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks.- Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cinema talk, a book club, if you like a sport join a club that organise communal things. Doesn't really matter what, since nowadays there are clubs for everything.- Take a brake from internet. After work, keep yourself busy doing things that don't involve using a screen and even try some hard blocking method to avoid using tech in public spaces.All this things might help you finding people to connect. Your initial answer should rewritten: "How to be alone?" -> "How to meet people?". The individualistic culture created in the last few decades, exacerbated by social media create a loneliness epidemic; kids have less friend, same for adults, so many people I met told me that online dating sucks, more and more people are using brain medication for anxiety and depression. The situation is not good and individualistic thinking clearly is not working.The real trick is not learning to be alone, but re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others. Humans are social animals.

nottorp: > re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with othersToo late for the OP, but you shouldn't give up on your friends just because you got married.

mapcars: I'm not talking about "liking" it, if you like being around people - there are many ways to do it, unless you live in a mountain cave or something. In any city there are dozens of volunteering groups that would be very happy if you came over and helped them and you will be around people as well.But in our internal state of being, in our thoughts, in our emotions and the very experience of life we are always alone. Yes we can try to express them to others some extent, but it can never be complete. In that sense we are fundamentally alone, and realising that makes the problem disappear.Because if I'm always alone internally and nature made it so, why worry about that? The need for desperate attempts to fix it disappears and you are just fine both ways, when there are people around or when there is no one around.

moffkalast: > but it feels empty> Everything feels hollow> antidepressantsI presume you already know this, but it may be worth reminding that the typical effect of antidepressants is to make people feel blank. It erases the negative, but also the positive.

kazishariar: I can sense that your heart is searching for guidance, a deeper connection and clarity in life. That yearning itself is a sign—one that points to God. The Qur’an offers a roadmap for this journey: reciting it with attention brings light to the heart, dhikr keeps your mind and soul anchored in remembrance, and meditation helps you witness your own thoughts and intentions with clarity.It’s also important to pause regularly to account for yourself—to reflect on your actions, intentions, and how they align with your higher purpose. And finally, service to others transforms this inner seeking into outward compassion, making your spiritual path alive and practical.When these practices—recitation, remembrance, mindful reflection, and service—flow together, they help turn yearning into guidance, and seeking into a lived experience of God’s presence.

michaelsbradley: Opportunity to cultivate one’s interior life:https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ecatholic2000.com&#x2F;lagrange&#x2F;interior1&#x2F;interior.sh...https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.ecatholic2000.com&#x2F;lagrange&#x2F;interior2&#x2F;interior2.s...There may be a 24&#x2F;7, or frequently open, adoration chapel nearby to you. Maybe you could make a daily trip to spend a little time (a “holy hour”) with Christ present with us on earth in the Blessed Sacrament?

wccrawford: As someone who lived alone for years, my recommendation is to make friends. Not people on a forum. People you enjoy messaging directly. Or calling. Or texting. Or even seeing face to face.It's not going to happen immediately. But if you aren't looking for the opportunities, they will pass you by.I've met them playing games, doing community events, joining clubs, etc. Meetup.com is a great place to find groups you might like.Other than that, you'll eventually toughen up and get used to it. You'll find the advantages and learn to enjoy them.

iso1631: I used to ride a bike for 40 minutes twice a day 5 days a week on the commute, and then ride longer most Saturdays and SundaysA daily 40 minutes on an exercise bike, rowing machine, or treadmill doesn't seem excessive.

shafyy: If you're intersted in (local) politics, join the local chapter of your favorite political party. Not sure where you live obviously, but in my experience, local political chapters do a lot of community work and events where you're together with other members, etc. And obviously there's already a common interest, so it's a great place to get to meet new people.At the same time, you will being contributing more to a better democracy in your country!

pzs: First of all, don't give up. What you are going through is not what you deserve, but a transition to the next stage in your life. Just because a relationship with someone didn't work out as you had hoped for does not mean you can't have even better relationships with others in the future. Adjustment takes time, so don't be judgmental about yourself. (Unsolicited advice, I know. I am about to get separated after a 20-year relationship myself, so I may be writing this in part also to myself.)Now may be the time to learn who you really are! Do you have any interests you never really pursued because of lack of time? Are there any things you once planned to do but never really found them important enough to prioritize against being with your SO? You may need to think back several years to discover those... How about reconnecting with friends you may not have met only infrequently during recent years?One thing that works really well for me is social dancing. It feels like a tactile game where the goal is to have fun and express what we hear in the music through connected movements. When I get to dance with a partner who's really good, it feels almost euphoric. It can be very-very rewarding. And there is most likely a community of social dancers who you can connect to. There is a bit of a learning curve, but there are dances like Cuban salsa where it is not so steep.Good luck!

gwbas1c: A year after my mom died, my dad went on a cruise and met his girlfriend. They are inseparable now. My dad is elderly.

gwbas1c: Once I graduated from school, I found it hard to make friends. My mid-20s were very lonely when I moved for work.A few things I did:I periodically had roommates. This wasn't the same experience as a college roommate, but at the time it helped with the loneliness.I started going to tech meetups. (I lived in Silicon Valley.) This ultimately was where I met most of my friends.(When I worked from home,) I would occasionally work out of a hacker space. After I changed jobs, I remained a member and went to social events. This was where I met the rest of my friends.I volunteered.---Some things that didn't work for me, but might work for you:I tried going to church. (In my case I found a hippy interfaith that focused on world religions instead of Christianity.) This didn't last very long for me for reasons that I won't discuss here; but if you find a community that you like, it can work wonders. Churches are fundamentally social organizations.I went to Burning Man twice. The community operates similar to a church. For various reasons, it didn't work for me, but if you're on the same wavelength of a Burning Man or "local burn" group, it can work for you.I would often sit at the bar for 1-2 hours in the afternoon and have 1-2 beers. Sometimes I had great conversations, but it never lead to friendship.

kypro: Firstly, there's a difference between dealing with being alone and dealing with the emptiness of losing someone you love.For being alone - many people will suggest you should try to get out and socialise, but imo this isn't a good coping strategy. I'd argue you need to learn how to enjoy your own company rather than be dependant on others for happiness. That's not to say you shouldn't try to get out the house and socialise from time to time, but it also shouldn't be painful for you to spend a few days by yourself.Meditation will help with this. I used to hate being alone and would constantly try to fill my free time with social things to not feel alone, but I really enjoy being in my own company these days and never feel lonely anymore, even if there are times I want to be social. That took a lot of introspection, but I'm much better for doing it now.Dealing with the emptiness of losing someone close is the harder bit here... I'd argue that again, you should try to embrace the pain rather than find ways to avoid or silence it.First understand that one can replace the person you loved. Even if you find someone new, they're not the same person and will not replace your loss. This is why going on dates and trying to find someone new cannot work and if anything will only make you feel more empty and lost in most cases. You need to find ways to come to terms with your loss while not letting it control your life or overwhelm you.I've been depressed for the vast majority of my life and I want to die almost every day, but for me it's quite manageable because I've learnt how to allow that pain be there without controlling me (more or less anyway – somedays can be hard). In my opinion medication, drugs&#x2F;alcohol and other methods of silencing the pain don't work well long-term. You simply have to learn how to manage your mind.My advice would be to go for a walk with your dog, not to avoid the emptiness you're feeling, but to embrace it. Go out specifically to experience how much it hurts going for a walk without the person you love by your side. Be really inquisitive about all of the emotions and thoughts that appear in your mind, and slowly learn how to come to terms with them.Please don't take this as me suggesting you should come off the meds, but I do worry about you being on a cocktail of drugs to manage a natural human emotional response to loss. Keep in mind meds can also make you feel empty and unmotivated, but more importantly they're not much better than substance abuse as a means of coping with pain in my experience – prescription meds are just the socially acceptable way to do it. People will say, "yeah, but they work", and that's true of course, but it's also the problem. I can say from experience that alcohol extremely well as a way to manage emotions... But ultimately these are not good long-term strategies for dealing with emotional pain - assuming you rather not be dependant on these substances. But maybe you don't care about that, and that's fine. I have my reasons for feeling the way I do so can only speak from my own perspectives as someone who has struggled with the emotions you're feeling and nearly allowed it to kill me as a result.Best of luck. At least being human is interesting, huh?

techteach00: My retro fitness is always crowded. I go 7 days a week. 40 minute jog. No lifting. It's nice seeing and saying hi to the same people their everyday.

kshahkshah: * work from the gym, if there is a lounge area * work from the library * join social clubs pertaining to your interest * change your job to be in-office, the commute and errands that occur incidentally result in more interactionsI'm sorry you're going through this.

axegon_: This comment might get lost in here but in case you get to it: I come from the complete opposite side of the spectrum: I've been living alone for practically the entirety of my adult life and I'm not far off your age either. This may come across a bit like "there, solved it" advice but hear me out: During the first 6 months of COVID, I was the happiest I have ever been. Things weren't perfect but given the circumstances, I doubt it could have been much better. But at a point the complete absence of borders between work and life disappeared and it was the constant zoom meetings happening in my living room that really got to me. One evening I was scrolling around the internet and saw an ad for 3 month old puppies across town. The decision was spontaneous af but I figured that I might as well do it now that I was at home all day. 5 years later, I can say this was among the best decisions I've ever made. But a word of advice - think about it and do your own research. What I got was a dog that is definitely not for everyone. But if you are active and have the time and patience to dedicate to such a breed, trust me, you will never feel alone again.

strken: Do you firmly disagree with all of it, or just the clothes and gym part?I don't have any objection to suggestions like "help people" or "be [a] good friend" or even "cook" and I think they're a core part of making friends. Today I cooked dinner for two friends and just got back from driving one of them home. They've been similarly kind to me in the past. Friendships are built on foundations like this.It's absolutely correct that you need to invite people to do stuff before you worry about whether you're helpful enough, but you also need to go from being two or more people who kinda sorta know each other to actual friends.

rajaravivarma_r: I was almost about to suggest the OP to move to a small town in India. Here he&#x2F;she will be fighting for privacy though ;). What a contrasting culture!For humans at least seeing other people is a bare minimum. I would just go for a walk, wave at my neighbour&#x2F;building workers, make small talk etc. I don't know how the cultural dynamics work, but can't you move back into your parents home? Just being alone with depression sounds terrible. I hope your situation improves soon.

windowliker: You're arguing for solipsism.

ravishi: gym everyday: I found great success with Pilates. It's usually me + 2-3 other people and the instructor. There's chatting during the session after you become regular. You get to have some social life while exercising. It also helps tremendously with posture, specially for someone who spends all his day in a chair.It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at least for me.

bko: > But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard.The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most deeply satisfying. Sure there are some people that don't get any satisfaction, but I think it's fair to say that it's not the typical experience across every Western culture.Let's stop pretending everything is morally equivalent.I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you. If you're actually in an abusive relationship, you should get out obviously. But what's the alternative? Drifting. Emptiness. No purpose or companionship. Spending the rest of your lives with pets asking for life hacks on how to manage boredom. Video games, netflix, personal indulgence and self gratification, medication.This is going to be weirdly controversial on this forum but is advice I would give to my children: most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w&#x2F; someone and raise a family. If you're an outlier and you have a shot of sending someone to Mars, sure, go all in on that, but for nearly everyone else, this is your best chance for a fulfilling meaningful life.

robeym: It's not good for us to be completely alone. We are social beings, and community is part of who we are. We search for truth in relationships, politics, games, drugs, anything. We search to the end of ourselves but end up with the same emptiness and questions. The truth, wholeness, community, and love we need and seek is often in the place we're too afraid to look - the Christian church. Even if you're not religious, the community and familial elements of a good Christian church are empowering. Put any biases you might have aside and take a step in. It might just be the real thing that finally makes us whole.

chaseadam17: It sucks to feel lonely. You could try a meditation retreat. I found it helpful to sit with loneliness before trying to solve it.

serioussecurity: Exercise, therapy, meditation, writing. I've valued my time alone, in retrospect, tho it was scary and challenging.

skaplich: this video might help → https:&#x2F;&#x2F;youtu.be&#x2F;k7X7sZzSXYs?si=m7Ben0Tt_hfZ996R

roland35: No need to proselytize please. I think recommeding a community is not a bad idea obviously

drowntoge: https:&#x2F;&#x2F;knowyourmeme.com&#x2F;memes&#x2F;do-you-even-lift

greekrich92: If OP finds this compelling, please consider a Quaker church to avoid the dogmatic and political baggage.Or perhaps a Unitarian church or Buddhist temple.

janilowski: There are no tricks but you can manage it to an extent.- Find activities you can do *outside*, regularly, preferably with a group. Things that worked for me: Learn japanese (group lessons only! Invite everyone for a beer afterwards), find a literature club, go swimming every other day, go cycling when bored.- Reach out to friends and acquaintances you didn't speak to in a while. Some won't reply, others will be delighted you reached out. Most people meet their s&#x2F;o through mutual acquaintances.- Go on websites like Meetup (or whatever event board is most popular on your area) and go to every event you can manage. If you're not the type to strike conversations with random strangers then find events looking for speakers or hosts and people will come up to you themselves.It's *very normal* to feel empty when a large part of your life is suddenly not there. I couldn't get rid of that feeling at any point when I was alone. Fill in the empty time and space, try finding someone else in a while but don't rush it—otherwise you risk yet another breakup.

narag: I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means.Congratulations.

eel: Where is your time being spent? I.e., when you aren't feeling motivated to do X, you must be doing Y instead, right?Y might be working more than you are expected. Y could be sleeping more than needed for a healthy night's sleep. Y could be browsing Reddit, Instagram, or other sites. Y could be playing the same maps over and over in a game. It's probably a combination of several things that only you know the answer to.Are you happy with Y? Answer both questions honestly and thoroughly, and I think you will be on the first step to solving your original question. If, by chance, you aren't happy with Y, then consider reading and adapting a methodology for change like those presented in the books Tiny Habits or Atomic Habits.

kakacik: Yeah especially 38 approaches the barrier (or crossed, depends on genes and previous lifestyle) when body changes for the worse. Weaker, builds strength slower, regeneration takes longer, injuries come easier. Very bad and outright dangerous advice that scare away more people than actually help.I'd say start with 2x a week, and 2 very important points - start gently since by description body isn't used to working out so it may take many weeks for it to grow connective tissue to handle new load; and start with a coach who will not push you like many love to do, but give you a gradual introduction and help avoid beginner's mistakes and injuries.The main point is to not make every workout a hated chore that must be done, since such motivation won't last very long and subconsciousness will easily find ways to start avoiding that.Once some form of affinity of not outright love for workouts and feeling&#x2F;effects after forms, and routine sets in, find other sports. Do group sports, join groups of people doing such activities (ie hiking club must be almost everywhere, its such a basic and great thing).Some 15 years ago I started ie organizing climbing sessions out of loneliness and amount of friends and women that entered my life in short period was non-trivial. Thats further down the line, but just a group similarly-minded people are already a massive boost. Be yourself, find your new hobbies or better passions, and this hard period will be over.Do NOT spend most of your free time in front of screen, playing games or other rather toxic activities. They will make all negative things worse since its a very lonely hobby despite being in contact with many folks (multiplayer, singleplayer is even worse).

heyitsdaad: That’s too young to get married. You never learned to be alone.Embrace the fact that this is an opportunity: The wall is now empty, you can draw anything you want!Focus on yourself : Read books, go to gym, eat healthy&#x2F;cookTo socialize : meetup or equivalent, sports with people&#x2F;hikeDo not date. Do not get on apps. Do not hook up.Minimize drinking.Read psychology and philosophy. Do not read self improvement books.Give yourself time, it fixes everything.Once you are happy with the person you have become (i.e. you look back at this post and realize you are at a higher level of consciousness) you can date.

kordlessagain: I'll counter this comment with "watch who you spend your time with". I picked up that nugget from a successful (and happy) guy in North Carolina who does development and has really turned around the small town he lives in with his strategy for revitalization.He also said to make your bed every morning, which I have done for years. Highly recommend this as it is an act of self care.Yes, kindness is great, but so is being direct and knowing what you want for yourself. There's literally zero point being kind to someone who is going to take your energy.If you have community, being kind is a great strategy, but if you are alone then it can be hard (and somewhat risky) to try to go include yourself in a group, especially if you are hurting. The risk is predatory behaviors from others seeing your weakness.

vablings: gym every day is fine with good load management. You should not be thrashing yourself to the max on a daily routine.

KellyCriterion: > showed I was deficient in Vitamin-Dmy problem, but cant fix it :-(

no_input: One shouldn't hate too much on self-improvement books. There are tons of good ones out there. Inversely, there is a lot of garbage psychology and philosophy material out there as well.The key here should be to do research. Thoughtfully pick out what you should read to expand your mind in a positive direction.

bko: I guess no one is going to say the obvious, so I'll bite.Find someone else, make this a top priority. Forget online dating, just go out and try to make connections. Make this a top priority, much like trying to find a new job.The rest of the people giving you coping mechanisms is just slop. Most people aren't meant to be alone. You sound like one of these people. You're looking for life hacks to deal with something that sounds like it's very much a choice. Do not go gentle into that good night. It's not going to get easier. And God forbid you have some medical issues which we all inevitably do. Who is going to take care of you? Who are you going to spend your last breaths on? Some passive musings to a nurse?

otterley: I think the poster is looking for temporary coping advice, not advice on how to be alone forever.

JCharante: I experienced living with a host family to transitioning to living alone in that same foreign country where I even had language barriers. I would advise you to get into cycling, it's a very social sport that you can do alone too. Otherwise something like pickleball would be good too. Sorry for keeping this comment short, I have a deadline.

notlenin: yes, strong agree.I'm personally happiest on two heavy lifting days with snatch, cleans and front squats, and then just lots of walking, handstands and some empty barbell work at home on other days.I've tried to go harder, but doing heavy snatches 4x&#x2F;week just exhausts me without increasing strength.

notlenin: > One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.I really recommend keeping a journal to help with this.I've been living alone for the past decade+, and journaling is a great way to express things that matter to you but others might not care about.Also, learn to be friends with yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to yourself sometimes, it helps :)

dekleinewolf: Hiya,I'm 39 and divorced 3 years ago.For me, my saviour was my 'third place'. I have frequented a spot since I was 18 where I can basically go any evening and there will be friends I know that I can chat with any time I need it. It makes not having a partner so, so much better.And I also missed talking about the random small things in my day that no one except my partner really cares about. I deal with it by partly suppresing it, but I've also just decided that occasionally whomever comes into my path, be that a coworker or a friend or a family member will have to deal with it :). (Making sure I don't overload specific people to much). But the coworker right next to me at work definitely gets more little details from my private life than he would if I had a partner, and he happily deals with it :).

motohagiography: don't problematize it. you get target lock from that and it will derail you from the things you enjoy.the real questions are:- what would you like? - what would you do if you wouldn't fail?I live in the proverbial cottage in the woods, have for years now, more Thoreau's Walden than Kaczinsky's cabin by far. The solitude is the most precious thing.I chop a lot of wood, practice classical music, walk my dog and ride horses. I sit by a fire year round a couple times a week. Some years I do a garden. I'm in constant training in arts.I also have a pretty intense job (security) that benefits from being able to walk and have lunch by the river in a forest.The things I tend to avoid because they are degrading to the human spirit are:- political accounts- dating sites- mainstream news- social media- exurbs- franchises or big box anything- microsoft anything- shelf stable foodsit's only a problem if you make it one.

levinb: Lot's of good thought here but I will reiterate; helping others doing something you enjoy or are good at is almost always the way.

wafflebot: I like your post and the last line is really key.When we are young we hear versions of this (e.g. "have to love yourself first") and despite the trite or pithy phrasings of it, it contains a truth.We shouldn't conflate not being partnered with being alone. There is so much else socially we need to cultivate whether it is family, friends, coworkers, community, or just being in the world and talking to a stranger.If all this feels sad or empty because of the breakup, that's ok. FEEL IT. The only way out is through. Feel it, don't numb it, try to find gratitude for the pain because it will lead you to where you need to be. The darkness and the light, etc.And when you arrive in a place where you no longer feel you need a partner to complete you or make your day feel meaningful, is the time you are ready to have a partner again.

johanvts: The Christian church has nothing to do with truth. Sure it might offer community, but it is a community based on dogma, on faith, not truth. Why was humanity banished from the garden? For eating from the tree of knowledge. Join a Promethean cult if you can find it OP.

brodouevencode: Only there would have never been an Enlightenment without Catholic rigor.

butILoveLife: I am so conflicted with this stuff. You let old men tell you how to live your life, but it makes people so happy. People hate having freedom. Of course they are lying too, but those lies make people happy.I'm very conflicted.

drojas: I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a Christian group of my area and attend their meetings now). Developing a relationship with God has been a huge upgrade for my life which is hard to put into words, but we also need human contact, and I was praying for that for me last night and this morning before reading this. I will also pray for you to find someone with whom you can share your life forever and never be alone again. If I could only recommend one thing I would say start with exercise, preferably a group. You'd be amazed by how much it can help to cope with loneliness and how much it helps to improve mental health in general. God bless you.

butILoveLife: The God thing is only temporary though. At some point you will seek Truth and the world will collapse on you.. Not only will you have an existential crisis, but your friend group will begin to shy away from you.But otherwise I basically agree. I think God is great for you in the psychological short term. Machiavelli to Dostoevsky agree.

nlavezzo: I'd strongly disagree with this. Since becoming serious about my faith as a 15 year old from a non-christian background, my life and my friend group has gotten progressively better. I had an existential crisis that helped bring me to faith - basically what is the point of anything if there's nothing beyond this world of matter? I've not had one since, as I don't believe this world of matter is all there is.

butILoveLife: Weirdly enough, the Christian search for truth is what got me to agnosticism.They told me to seek truth, it was what God wanted... Oops.Literally read too much.

63stack: I was wondering the same thing. It already takes a very high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week, going every day requires superhuman levels to so consistently.This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.

raducu: >high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week.I don't really have the time for gym but going feels so good so I can see why someone who does have the time might go 7 days a week.

brodouevencode: This statement is based on a surface level (if that) understanding of Christianity. Machiavelli and Dostoevsky aside, whose criticisms are somewhat deeper but still misguided, there are many thinkers who question the existence of God but acknowledge the benefits of a God-centered society.

butILoveLife: My life experiences run counter to this. However, if other people sacrifice themselves for me, I get to be happy. Sooo keep on spreading this message.thxxxx

nyxtom: I struggled with isolation for a long time but I found that there are some hobbies that have helped me.- join jiu jitsu (people here are so supportive, it such a solid community and it gets you crazy active)- join a church you like (believe it or not, there are great ones out there where you can find people that care about you the way God wants to have a personal relationship. In those communities people care about whats going on in your life and it gets your caring about other people. And as a bonus, people will put together pot lucks, bbqs, outings. Gets you in planning mode)If you're ever struggling, feel free to reach out. I am starting a discord server for this community because this seems to come up a lot and HN comments doesn't seem to be a great place to have consistent connection. https:&#x2F;&#x2F;discord.gg&#x2F;Hzu3UrthHnThe discomfort you feel is real but manageable. It's good news because you just need to be consistent in doing 1 small thing each day or each week. For me it was, I'm going to go to church and find a small group I'm interested in. Then from there I added in - I'm going to learn guitar and see an actual professional teacher to teach me so I have an in person contact with someone who cares about my progress. Then it was, I'm actually going to regularly have real phone calls with my family (my mom, my brother, etc). I have a daughter so it's much easier for me, but I also live remotely so there's that.

keybored: You asked on HN thinking that there would be at least one person who is pathetic enough to cope with such a lifestyle. You are correct.But I don’t feel like answering this question.

kidbomb: Most of my friends have either joined religious groups or running teams. I never realized that, besides the philosophical and health components, there was also a social one to it.

4fterd4rk: Do YOU go to the gym at all?I lift four times a week. Two days a week I do intense cardio. One day a week I do something low impact like yoga or a treadmill incline walk. "Active recovery" is not a new concept.

partyof4: Ok. First time writing here. Been there: totally alone (four blocks away from my three kids) at 35 -that was 15 years ago-. What it worked: volunteer. Sometimes you'll feel glorious sometimes you'll feel meeh, sometimes you feel annoyed, but I think that's the point. Just volunteer.

marssaxman: People really differ, don't we?I can only imagine what it would feel like to enjoy working out.

drojas: This is my personal opinion. I think it doesn't have to be a short term fix. If you are curious enough and open minded you can find a long term relationship with God that doesn't contradict verifiable truth as long as you are willing to question collectively accepted "truths". For me, Natural theology has been one of the main foundations in my path to get closer to God. Understanding that physics stumbled upon the Spirit of God (the aether &#x2F; zero point energy) and decided to look away has been super important in this journey. If you look at the recent work from physicist Nassim Haramein you'll see that Creation was not an event in a remote past after which God retired to his throne (Haramein doesn't mention God, but he explains how zero point energy sustains all matter at all times). If you agree that there is a Creator entity and you approve Haramein's theory, then zero point energy is the active force by which the Creator operates, and then creation is happening everywhere, always, and the same force that created everything is actively sustaining everything, everywhere, forever.

butILoveLife: I've read 9 years of philosophy. Its never happening.It gets worse than you know. Not only is the doctrinal god not real... not even the Stoic thiest god more valid than agnosticism. (Epistemology)It gets worse: There is nothing that says the words of human are more valid than looking to nature. There is 0 way to factually chose between them. (Epistemology)It continues to get worse: Circles aren't real, they are a construct of human language. Even our knowledge of material things is subject to the same limitations. Organic molecules see the world, and different organic molecules turn this into logical thought. Then we vibrate some air particles as we explain to others. (Ontology)Anyway, its much worse than you think. Do not read philosophy if you want to continue being happy like you are. All paths in philosophy lead to nihilism.

rdevilla: You will be better served investigating alternative definitions of God, such as the pantheistic god; the panentheistic god (encompassing not just the physical universe but the intellectual one as well); or simply the Aristotelian "first cause" proven (non constructively) to exist of necessity by various cosmological arguments, rooted in ex nihilo nihil fit and rejection of infinite regress (preferring axiomatics in the Munchhausen Trilemma).

samspot: They said go every day, not do intense workouts every day. Plenty of things you can do at a gym that don't require recovery days. Being there so much should confer some social benefits too.

robeym: Completely agree. I found freedom, truth, comfort in Christ. From that relationship with God stems everything we need. “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” and “the truth will set you free.”

rfc3092: It really surprises me how entrenched the idea of “gym” is in everyone’s mind. For me Pilates studio is a gym too. Maybe this is a “transcontinental” thing?

kylehotchkiss: Nice to see your experience. Finding a good church (note: very very difficult) and small group is the right answer for anybody OK with engaging with christian faith. For those who don't believe, it's harder to find a consistent community unfortunately - I wish there could be more secular equivalents of a church small group as I'd join one and would highly enjoy.

drojas: I agree 100% with this

busterarm: Seriously. Not understanding what this means almost makes the reply worthless as the proper context just isn't there.I was in two different relationships where my partner was trying to destroy me. One literally tried to murder me.Being alone is so much better than that, it's not even close.

baist: Imagine how hard it is for me to understand you, because I moved out from my parents and was always alone.

bko: Thats not what most people use about the wrong person. Thats an abusive relationship. And the comment says as much a few sentences later

butILoveLife: Yeah... Don't read philosophy. Don't seek truth.And if you do, you better have a new game plan for happiness and your friend group.

Abekkus: How about the truth that most communities are built around some kind of nonsense, and maybe you can deal with a bit of nonsense to enjoy the benefits of community?

collingreen: I can't think of a way to feel more hollow like the OP describes. Not making any claims or suggestions for others just pointing out how different that would make me feel compared to the suggestion. Different strokes for different folks apparently.

johanvts: Granted, but fortunately things have improved since the middle ages.

impendia: Personally, I've enjoyed classes in yoga and in group fitness.This has several advantages: exercise is obviously good for you, and you can meet people while you're there. But more subtly, once you show up, someone is constantly telling you what to do. For me, this has meant much less of a drain on my mental energy and discipline than if I tried to work out on my own.Good luck!

ganban: The cheapest way is to get out of the house and take a walk and visit shops or crowded places and just hang out. Don't think too much since most of them turns out to be wrong. Practice drawing &#x2F; gardening. Read books. Go to local meetings and enjoy. Music helps. Keep doing some simple physical activities like cleaning house or anything that keeps you occupied. Give priority to mental health. Everyone of us deserves to live peacefully.

Beestie: Apologies if already mentioned but the three big things I think can help are: 1. Volunteering - the need for volunteers is great but dig deep and find something that works for you. Its hard to feel down when helping others in need; 2. Join a gym and take exercise classes. Not necessarily to meet people but seeing the same folks in class leads to some familiarity but to take care of yourself; 3. Find a site you are comfortable with to improve healthy eating habits (Zoe.com is one of many). Super important to eat healthy, exercise some, and give of yourself to others in need.Sorry to hear you are having a tough time - you are wise to share what's happening and ask for suggestions. Tells me you are already on the way back. Believe in yourself and avoid those who don't.

jmo530: Empty nest and now divorce. Biggest help for me was finding a DivorceCare group and joining a CrossFit gym. Instant community on both counts.